Thursday, May 29, 2003

I miss her. I can still smell her scent in my covers. When you really connect with someone, I seem to lose focus of everything and everyone around me. It's like having tunnel vision. Could this be love again for me? Am I really fortunate enough to fall in love twice in a lifetime? Everything around me seems so surreal. Love, at times, seems so distant; and I had trained my soul to limit its emotions, but somehow love has a way of breaking through and wrecking havoc to those defenses.

Sometimes we just stare into each other's eyes. I look at her eyes, and I see sunflowers. I'm not usually the guy to get all sappy and recklessly fall for someone, but its nice to take a risk and lose yourself to love some times. I have lived 27 years, and have rarely felt this kind of pure, reciprocated, healthy, and loving relationship.

Currently listening to: Warrior (by Warrior), Silent Lucidity (by Queensryche), Pictures of You (by The Cure), La Vie En Rose (by Edith Piaf), Nobody Lives Without Love (Eddi Reader), 21 Questions (by 50 Cent), and Ammunition (by Morrissey).

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Sometimes you meet someone who enters your life and just shakes it up. I have lived long enough to realize that this does no happen often, so when it does you really have to clutch on to it. I know I have to face the fact that Alex will have to leave for us to reach the next level. She has to obtain closure with her heart before we can proceed. It is tough to realize that, but I also know that it is the only way we can progress. I feel blessed. I feel lucky. In feeling this way...

Thursday, May 08, 2003

So here we are 5 weeks after meeting Alex (my new German friend), I am forced to confront my issues of intimacy, desire, and love. I like her, and yet I also feel guarded about being with her. I love being around her, I love putting my arms around her. We are close and yet so distant in some ways. It has been a struggle to put my feeling and emotions into perspective. I can only be sure of one thing, that is that I love being around her. I am almost waiting for this moment where I start to not care about her, so I can at least calculate and measure my emotions for her. Everyone is telling me to dive in with both feet first, but love is something so fragile and precious that I just can't do that.