Monday, December 27, 2004


2004 has to be remembered as probably one of the best years I've had on this planet. There was a definite sense of self-awakening; as 2004 winds down to a close I feel more assured about my place in this universe than at any point in my life. A proverbial light bulb lit up within me exactly when 2004 was rung in. Steffi and Brook dragged me my flu-ridden, heartbroken, and beaten body to celebrate the new year, and nothing has been the same since then. I remember thinking about Mardi Gras, and followed through with that goal. I remember thinking about Burning Man and followed through with that purpose.

It was a year where I welcomed wonderful new friends in my circle, and strengthened some friendships along the way as well. There was always some adventure or event to look forward, and that's what made the whole year so complete and wonderful. Whether it was my weekend escapades to San Diego, or visiting Liz and her family in Palm Springs, I felt like I was always doing something and experiencing something different and wonderful.

Instead of waiting for things to happen, or for people to invite me to do stuff, I became a more proactive. I did whatever I wanted to do. I met whomever I wanted to meet. I felt free. I felt alive. I felt invigorated by my experiences. There are so many faces of random people who I shared so many beautiful moments with...

- Walking around New Orleans with Jaime early in the morning looking for beer.
- Watching the sunrise over the Black Rock Mountains with my playagirl.
- Singing Coldplay tunes around the esplanade on the morning of the burn.
- Stumbling through Miyagi's with Mary during her birthday.
- Having to cover Brook up after she vomitted in front of the guy she likes.
- Stopping Jenn from having a girly-fight while watching Crystal Method and Paul Oakenfold.
- Seeing a crazy person completely snap and lose it in front of me while at the Air concert.
- Chillin' with Krissy at the L.A. Decom after party.
- Getting kidnapped by Giselle and suckered into helping them do their garage sale.
- Getting drunk with elementary school teachers in Catalina Island.

What a year?? I can't wait for 2005, and I can't imagine what spontaneous epiphany I will have during NYE this year.

Thursday, December 23, 2004


If K looks like C, and if I was in still in love with C, then I that explains why I am so interested with K. I haven't seen C in years, but nothing was really solved since we last parted ways. I know it will never work out with C, but perhaps it could've worked out with K. Who knows? But it's not fair to K that she looks like C. Even though K looks like C, and K has similar uncanny tendencies as C, K does not equal C. To think about it K doesn't even remotely look like C. I'm just messed up in the head right now....

Wednesday, December 22, 2004





8. SO JEALOUS - Tegan and Sara


6. FINAL STRAW - Snow Patrol

5. JUST BE - Tiesto

4. LOVE IS HELL - Ryan Adams



1. TRANSATLATICSM - Death Cab For Cutie

Monday, December 20, 2004


Well I just learned a wonderful suprise a few moments ago, Steffi will be coming down from Stuttgart, Germany to visit for Christmas and New Years. I'm not sure what her plans are, but it would be interesting if I get re-united with Steffi and Brook for New Year's Eve. I know Brook has already confirmed for NYE with her boyfriend. They're the ones who got me out of my deathbed last year, and dragged me out on New Year's Eve. And it would be so wonderful to reminisce about our road trip to the deep south last year, and Mardi Gras. They both played a large part in making 2004 a great year for me. And all three of us are forever linked together by our adventures through Texas and Mardi Gras.

Well it's that time of the year where I start closing out my tab for the year. 2004 has been the best year of my life. There was a sense of rebirth, growth, and enlightenment. I experienced things that I have yet to completely comprehend. I have had tons of people who have entered my life, and enriched it so much. Not bad for a guy who was clinging on to dear life at the end of 2003. Well during the last few days of 2004 I'd like to reminisce, name off a few top 10's and of course thank a lot of people that were with me along the way.

So today we'll start with movies.


A unique and whirlwind of a movie. Anchored solidly by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, it raises questions about memory, love, and identity. It is a dark comedy, full of twists, that only Charlie Kaufman can create. The movie touched me because it shows the broken and randomness of nature, and despite it all, chaos can be beautiful.

What was it about this movie that so many of my peers fell in love with? Was it because it spoke to us about our loneliness? Was it because we were able to relate to ennui and charm of the characters? Was it the beautiful soundtrack? I saw this movie with Brooke, and when the movie was over, she couldn't get out of her seat. She was emotionally struck. She cried for a few minutes not wanting to let go of each melody and scene. It was a moment ingrained in our heads. Touching, beautiful, wonderful, and inspiring.

This audacious screwball romp dates to ask existential questions amidst the backdrop of outrageous humor. There is substance beneath the intricate web of this movie. Trying to describe or analyze this movie is fruitless, but I left the theaters elated, overjoyed, and willing to confront my existential crises.

Give a man a motorcycle and base it upon a true story and you have on the most beautiful and inspiring movies of the year. This is a compelling journey of two friends searching to find themselves in the lands, politics, and geography of rich and vibrant country. I was able to relate to the ideas of travelling, meeting new people, and experiencing different cultures.

Wes Anderson continues to cement and evolve in this quirky movie. Bill Murray is at his best anchoring the helm of this wonderful cast. Even though the characters are the foundation of Wes Anderson movies, it is their human relationship and bonds that allow us not get lost amidst all these quirkiness.

Sunday, December 19, 2004


I met Geoff H., Jen, Dahlia, Alice, and the rest of their crew when I went to see Tall Paul at Godskitchen a few weeks ago. Geoff and I exchanged e-mails and we just kept in touch. He invited me to come down to Laguna Beach on Friday and party a little bit over there. For all the years I have lived in L.A. I have never made it down to Laguna Beach, I never even considered it as a hotspot. It was going to an adult Disneyland. Once Geoff laid down the gauntlet, shots and shots galore, trailed down with Glenlivet on the rocks. I was a virtual butterfly at the bar. It is always dangerous for me to hang out with people who have type A personalites and can't say no, because that's how exactly I am. Geoff and I pretty much drank ourselves to what would've been death if they didn't kick us out the bars. We were just being dragged to people's houses left and right, while Geoff and I are almost passed out in their cars, and vomitting outside the window. When eventually got to the last house, Geoff and I passed out in the bathroom floor. I managed to wake up early morning and drag myself to the couch. I had an amazing time, and met some really friendly and interesting people. It kinda changed a lot of my outlook on people from the O.C. It's unfortunate that they aren't able to go to my New Year's Eve party, I think they could teach some of my friends a little bit about how a party is supposed to be done. It's Sunday morning, and I am still hungover from Friday night. Now that's what I call a party...

Friday, December 17, 2004


Yesterday was a tough day to be a Dodger fan. After learning that Adrian Beltre signed with the Seattle Mariners, it was widely reported that the Dodgers also traded Shawn Green, Brad Penny, and Yhency Brazoban for Javier Vasquez and a couple of stiffs. What the hell is going on here?? Where's your head at? Paul Depodesta better have something really good up his sleever, like say Carlos Beltran; otherwise he's going to be in my "Must Choke List." That "Must Choke List" is getting larger by the day.

Going to the O.C. tonight. I got my passport ready. I got my traveller's cheques ready. I got my drinking hat ready. It's been a long sober week. And tonight is the night to break that drinking cherry. I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone whenever I go down to the O.C. Whenever I tell them I live out here in L.A. they always gasp as if I live in Beirut or something. It's going to be a weird night, I can feel it in my veins. It's in the air. But I promise not to help out on anymore garage sales.

On Saturday I will probably reunite with a couple of high school friends Mo and Pete. It's been a long time since we last got together, but thanks to Friendster we got back in touch with each other. High School reunions are kinda weird, and they rarely work out. I am such a different person now than when I was in high school. Even though I was able to establish friendship with Clare, Brooke, and Jenny, I wasn't really good friends with them in high school, so I was able to create a friendship with them apart from my high school personality. But when I tried to reunite with Michelle, Darrin, Marnie, and others they all seemed to crumble, even though we were very close throughout our high school years. Either they weren't able to grasp who I am now, or I wasn't able to grasp to what they have become. In any case I definitely noticed that my connection with them was torn. But I still love them, and I hope that they know that I am there for them. So it'll be interesting to see how Mo and Pete have pieced themselves together after all these years. No more smuggling Cuban cigars across the Mexican border. I know Mo used to be a bleeding heart conservative Republican, apparently is now a KCRW-listening Democrat. I guess going to school at Berkeley can do that to you.

I still can't shake Jem off my head. I feel like a 13-year old school boy just entering puberty.

Isn't she dreamy? All that and an accent too...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Mindcircus (Way Out West), Master Blaster (Stevie Wonder), What's The Difference (Dr. Dre), Lonelily (Damien Rice), Love Will Tear Us Apart (Nouvelle Vague), Planet Telex (Radiohead), Kitchen Sink Drama (Soft Cell), Under The Milky Way (The Church), and Daydream In Blue (I Monster).

Thursday, December 16, 2004


After going through all the feverish mania of finding someone to go see Jem. I simply gave up and went to see Jem by myself. And it was probably worth. Cut Chemist opened up with an inspired and amazing set, which had the usually rigid L.A. crowd groovin' and dancin'.

When Jem finally got on the stage, I was impressed, wait no, I was in Love. I love music, and it was so wonderful to see someone who is influenced by various kinds of music and put it together so seamlessly. Imagine seeing Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Fatboy Slim, Portishead, Coldplay, Aretha Franklin, Tribe Called Quest, Bob Marley, Ozomatli, Norah Jones, Mazzy Star, and The Cure all morphed into one person for one night. It was amazing. I was smiling all night, and my jaw just dropped wide open. Not only could she sing, but she had these really playful hip/hop moves that just mesmerized me. Her charisma just filled the room, and everyone was feeling her energy.

"Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all - young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self.

Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, 'I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.'

The other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!' But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 'See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!'

And the one carried in the current said, 'I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.' But they cried the more, 'Saviour!' all the the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour."

-From Richard Bach's book "Illusions".

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Is there anything more frustrating than being a flake? I know we live in a busy city, and flakes are in every corner, and I'm not talking about snow either. I understand that things come up, and people are busy as bees, especially during the holiday season. But isn't a courtesy phone call too much to ask for. Maybe I'm expecting too much from people around here.

I'd like to think I'm a nice and decent person. I don't ask much from others. I try to treat everyone honestly, respectfully and fairly as I can. I can also handle rejection fairly well. I don't expect everyone to like me, and if they don't, I respect that and I move on.

Sometimes I even go way out of my way so I do not flake out on someone. If I say I am doing something I try my darndest to do it. If my word isn't good, then what good am I? I know being in Hollywood and all being a flake is cool and hip; but fuck that. It is a selfish and annoying personality trait, and I will not have any of that shit. Well enough of my bitchin' and moanin', I just had to get that off my chest.

Isn't it interesting how life closes one door and then opens up another? Is anything ever random anymore? How are we so delicately bound to each other sometimes, and at others feel so infinitely distant and lonely?

Monday, December 13, 2004


For the first time in a long time, I went through a whole entire weekend sober than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It was actually pretty cool to stay home, barbecue, and take care of some business. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could be sober for two weeks and still have time and not crave liquor or going out. I thought it would be a tougher process, but it really wasn't that big of a deal. I ran a lot, and I drank a lot of that yummy Vanilla Ice Blended from The Coffee Bean, but that wasn't anything too unusual.

I missed my run for the Lassie Viren 20K, for some reason I thought it was Saturday, but it was really Sunday. Didn't matter I ran a 20K around the Rose Bowl anyway just for shits and giggles.

Things are falling in place for what should be an amazing New Year's Eve Party. Old friends, new friends, and random strangers, I think it will be a lot of fun. I can't wait.

In Andre Brink's novel "Before I Forget" he describes a woman's vulva as:

"(It was) like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

Stop giggling!

Friday, December 10, 2004


In a spontaneous bout of lunacy, I accepted Sara invitation to run the Lassie Viren 20K this Saturday. I am excited about it, but I'm also a little nervous. I'm not too familiar with the course, and from what I've heard it could be hilly. I hate hills. But I know running is a lot about mind over body. It's kinda cool to be at this stage of my life where I am always ready to run a 20K in such a short notice. There is something so mentally therapeutic and wonderful about running. It gives me such peace. Well, while you're all recovering from you hangover on Saturday morning, I'll be running a 20K.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Just Be (Tiesto), Mr. Brightside (The Killers), A Night Like This (The Cure), Galvanize (Chemical Brothers), Cups (Underworld), and Paint It Black (Rolling Stones).

Thursday, December 09, 2004


It's funny that I haven't even talked about my weekend, specifically Saturday night. I went to see Tall Paul at Godskitchen, and took my usual bunch of Euroheads. I quickly wanted to detach myself from them, and ended up meeting a fun group from the O.C. I almost had to just laugh the night off, there were some really interesting situations that arose; but I don't want to incriminate myself or any one else in the revelry, so you're going to have to ask me about the stories.

I just remember this moment at the end of the night where I'm exchanging numbers with this guy, and it took us both an hour to put my name and phone number on his phone. Please don't ask me why I'm exchanging numbers with a guy in a club.

The Burning Man Project has announced their 2005 theme "Psyche: the Conscious, the Subconscious and the Unconscious". This is an interesting shift from previous themes of Burning Man. Previous themes revolved around visuals or the visceral, this year it will be more introspective. I can't wait to see what the BM community will make out of this.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


I've been feeling a little disconnected and detached from my self, my city, my friends, and my family. I found myself lost in various situations throughout the weekend. I've been meaning to shake myself up a little bit. I took advantage of a quick flurry of inspiration early Sunday morning, but it wasn't enough to really keep pace with the downward spiral.

Perhaps its a little bit of the holiday blues. I used to be really into the holidays, in college I used to go around the dorms and sing Christmas Carols. I acted in A Christmas Carol. I used to wear a Santa hat every day in December. And as I grew up, I think I've become a little bit more cynical with the whole idea of Christmas, and it has finally caught up with me.

I am aware that I am just hitting a rough spot in the whole string of events, and there are a lot of things to look forward to this month. So please slap me across the head, and wake my ass up!!

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Once there was a great storm,
Pushed my head beneath the waves,
I was gone.

Underneath the walnut tree,
Where you said you'd wait for me,
And I waited a long, long time

I waited a long, long time,
I waited a long, long time,
I waited a long, long time,
I waited a long, long time.

Why, why do I come here?
Seeking out the memories I hold in,
'Cause you put your spell on me,
Made me live in memory,
And im frozen in just the wrong time.

I waited a long, long time,
I waited a long, long time,
I waited a long, long time,
I waited a long, long time.

by Keane