Thursday, September 25, 2003

Can someone please rent my life for a little bit, I sure need the cash... For the past few days, people from my past have been coming out of the wood work. Lars Larsen was a good friend of mine back in the SOCES days. He was a scrawny little brat, and I was shy little boy back then, but somehow we connected and became fairly good friends, we probably just didn't know any better. Then Clare met one of my coolest and hippest friends from Redlands, Adrianne McCurrach. I used to hang out with her and her roomate, Allison, when we were freshmen. It was quick for all of us to bond because we really didn't know any better. We were all so young, innocent, and impressionable, that was the fun of it. I think Adrianne is coming to my housewarming party, and I haven't seen her in years. I am very excited to see how we've all changed and yet somehow stay the same. Once you really connect with someone as a friend, it stays there for a long time. I like that...


Apparently our galaxy is a little hungry and has been slowly eating our neighbor, Sagittarius. That fucking sucks...

The 2003 Durex Sex Survey is out. Here are some interesting facts about the world's sexuality:

* People around the world are enjoying a busy love life, having sex an average of 127 times a year. In Hungary, this average rises to 152. The French (144) are now only the fifth most active between the sheets, but are ahead of Australians (125), Americans (118) and especially Swedes (102) and Singaporeans (96).

* Jennifer Lopez and David Beckham were considered the world's sexiest people.

* The survey showed that Americans are still seen as one of the sexiest nationalities of all by the rest of the world (nine percent), just ahead of the French (eight percent) and well ahead of Australians (three percent).

* The survey revealed that 45 percent of people worldwide have had one-night stands — with Icelanders being the most impetuous (71 percent), followed closely by Aussies (60 percent).

* On average, 73 percent of people worldwide say they are happy with their sex lives. The most contented couples are in Thailand (92 percent), the least satisfied are Russian (59 percent) and Aussies are somewhere in between (70 percent).

What does this all mean? If the world is having sex on an average 127 times a year, I am way fucking behind, I need to catch up. That means I am going to go to Iceland and Hungary (just kidding, don't be such a priss girls!)

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Baba O'Riley (The Who), Been Around the World (Lisa Stansfield), No More Drama (Mary J. Blige), Clarity (John Mayer), No Room To Bleed (Ben Lee), Who Makes You Feel (Dido), Super Bad (James Brown), and Superstition (Stevie Wonder).

Monday, September 22, 2003

I finally rode the L.A. Subway (Metro). It was a wonderful experience, and a great way to explore the underbelly Los Angeles. I felt very much like I was in NYC, the characters and the charm of the people were there elbow to elbow.

I was supposed to go to Alfie's birthday party, but I missed the change of plans, and since I didn't have a car, I just got drunk at Pig and Whistle and Lucky Strikes. It was cool because I didn't have to drive home, I could really drink myself to a stupor. There was a lot of life in Hollywood and Highland. It was teeming of tourists, undiscovered actors, weirdos, and homeless teenagers. It was a surreal experience, and there was an energy there that was definitely there for the taking.

I spent most the weekend setting up my room, breaking down cardboard, changing locks, and other home improvements matters. Living in a house gives you more responsibility to take care and nurture it, and I think I'm going to have to be that person for the next few weeks.

First Liberace, now Johnny Cash, what next? Galileo!!!

One of the most successful man made space programs in human history, was crashed into the planet Jupiter to prevent it from contaminating Europa (which has the best chance of finding life outside of earth). I feel a little sad from this, since I have followed this mission since I was in junior high school.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Been It (The Cardigans), Split Screen Sadness (John Mayer), Where The Hood At? (DMX), Purple Pills (D12 & Emimem), Cry Freedom (Dave Matthews Band), I Wish I Was A Girl (Counting Crows), and The End of an Anchor (Dashboard Confessional).

Friday, September 19, 2003


Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

My room is slowly coming together. The vision is there. I think I have a pretty queer eye for a straight guy. There are still too many cardboard boxes around, and I'm barely keeping my head up. The housewarming party is on Oct. 11th, and I am pretty sure we'll be ready by then.

he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer
night, running the blade of the knife
under his fingernails, smiling, thinking
of all the letters he had received
telling him that
the way he lived and wrote about
it had kept them going when
all seemed

putting the blade on the table, he
flicked it with a finger
and it whirled
in a flashing circle
under the light.

who the hell is going to save
me? he

as the knife stopped spinning
the answer came:
you're going to have to
save yourself.

still smiling,
a: he lit a
b: he poured
c: gave the blade

- Charles Bukowski.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Glad Girls (Guided By Voices), Why Georgia (John Mayer), Shake Your Foundation (AC/DC), Fascination (Ministry of Sound), Superstar (Carpenters), Weekends (Black Eyed Peas), and Life Is Sweet (Chemical Brothers).

Wednesday, September 17, 2003


I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become ?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become ?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Hurt (Johnny Cash), Hells Belss (AC/DC), The End of An Anchor (Dashboard Confessional), Dancing In The Dark (Bruce Springsteen), Fair (Ben Folds Five), Rock Bottom (Eminem), Arabesc (DJ Quicksilver), and Sweet Dreams (Marilyn Manson).

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Obi Wan to Luke. "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

Don't fall in love with your first idea. Date it. Make out with it a bit. Promise to call it back, but ditch it immediately if a more attractive or better funded idea comes along.


Our team lost 17-4 last night. We were just a little to tight, and made too many mental mistakes. We need to loosen up a little bit and enjoy ourselves on the field. We'll see what happens next week...

Monday, September 15, 2003

I'm all wound up. Tight. Nothing is making sense. Losing touch with myself again. I need to rediscover myself. I was slowly doing it, but I lost it. I need to work on it. The noose is tightening. I am playing softball tonight, that seems to be my only real solace right now.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

How come everyone around me right now is acting pissy or frustrated with me? My Mom is pissed off because she is getting stressed out from all the moving and stuff. Alex is getting frustrated with some discussions that we are having. And they are all taking out their frustrations and anger at me. Why do people like to do that? It pisses me off sometimes. My mom doesn't take out on my brother, instead I'm the easy target because I can take it. Just because I can handle stressful situations doesn't mean people can just dump their shit on me. I try to lead my life in which I don't do that to other people, but it makes me an easy prey for them. I just have to stay within myself... I can't let these people break me down.

MY HOROSCOPE (according to Alfie)
Alfie says: Today you might want to take some time to be by yourself, ryan. Sometimes you get so caught up in the social whirl that you lose touch with your own energy. You might want to stay home this evening instead of going out with your friends. You'll feel good if you rest, meditate a little, and take some time to decompress. It's healthy to detach from other people's energy once in a while.


Monday, September 08, 2003

On Friday night Alex and I went to meet up with Anna to see her friends' band, Descanso play at The Derby. But it was the band after them that really got me going. Slydell was this gospel rock blues band that really shook the place. They had their own style and music that was something different than a lot of crap going on. I am going to keep my left eye on this band. They are working on a residency at the Tangiers in Los Feliz. I want to check them out again.

Alex was sick for most of the weekend, so she stayed in for the most part. We went to FPAC in San Pedro, and met with some friends. I did a lot of moving to our new house in Pasadena. It was a very busy weekend, with not much sleep. I can't believe I survived this tumultuous weekend, and its still not over, I have my first softball game tonight.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Cadillac Seville (Slydell), Chasing Heather Crazy (Guided By Voices), Tommy The Cat (Primus), God Put A Smile On Your Face (Coldplay), Sadeness (Enigma), White Flag (Dido) and Intuition (Jewel)

Friday, September 05, 2003

It has been a crazy 48 hours. I am still a little sleepless, but its wonderful. I am still in disbelief about what's going on right now, and Alex and I are just enjoying each other's company. It feels really good to have her back, to hold her, and to touch her again. After I broke up with her, I had doubts that I would ever see her again. This is all a wonderful blessing, and special turn of events. I am excited to share my affections with this special person. I need some rest, but I am ready to provide her the best two weeks of her life.

I have lost faith in the American political system. I thought armageddon was coming when Jesse "The Body" Ventura became governor of Minnesota, then that whole Florida presidential election fiasco happened. Now in my home state, the whole recall situation is just down right embarassing. Gary Coleman vs. Arnold Schwarzenneger. Jesus Christ!. So I am imploring all California citizens to choose NONE OF THE ABOVE. I think NONE OF THE ABOVE should be included in the ballot. Instead of not voting, you should have the right to choose NONE. This is inspired from the movie Brewster's Millions.

Do you want this to be your next Governor?

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: White Rabbit (Jefferson Starship), Glynis (Smashing Pumpkins), The Ghost in You (Psychedlic Furs), I Am A Tree (Guided By Voices), Everest (Ani DiFranco), and Love To Hate You (Erasure).

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Something wonderful and amazing happened yesterday. For the past few days I had been concerned that I haven't been able to get a hold of Alex through the phone or by e-mail. I had e-mailed all our mutual friends to see if they had heard from her, but I did not receive any response from any of them. So late in the day I was talking with Alfie through IM, and I was telling her that I was really concerned, and I didn't know what to do, this was so unlike her.

So I left work around 5pm or so and got inside my car. As I was putting my bag in the passenger seat, by the corner of my eye I saw a strange orange figment pass by, I thought I was going to get mugged or robbed, so I was ready to hold on to my bag and grab the baseball in my back seat. Then I heard a familiar voice say "Hi!", and I turned, I saw her. Alex Seifert. Yes! Alexandra Seifert, all the way from Germany. Standing in front of my eyes. I gasped a little bit. I felt weak in the knees. I turned around, and covered my eyes. I felt like a wonderful hammer has been slammed inside my heart. After a few surprising and awkward moments of staring at each other, we both collapsed on the pavement, and we just sat there looking at each other. I was in disbelief. Never in a million years did I ever think that this would happen. We embraced. I felt like Renee Zellweger's character in Jerry Maguire ("You had me at hello.."). I was pinching myself. I was trying to make sure that this wasn't some sick dream. That this was not a mere hallucination. And it thankfully wasn't... God isn't that cruel.

We got back to my place and she offered me a clean blue plate. At first I didn't get the symbol or statement. I was still a little confused and dishoveled from actually seeing her. And she wanted the plate to be a symbol for having a clean plate, starting over and building a relationship. I appreciated the gesture, but she had me at "Hi!". We spent the rest of the night reflecting each other afterglow. It just felt really wonderful to actually see her, after going through a string of emotions over the past month. We couldn't talk much at first; and sometimes I still pinch myself to make sure that I won't wake up from this dream.

I woke up this morning. And she was sleeping next to me, my puschelish little deutsch girl. For 2 1/2 hours or so, I just lied there in bed and held her, and looked at her. And felt all these emotions run through me like water breaking through a dam. She's leaving in a couple of weeks, but if I only had one hour with her, it would've been worth it. I am still spinning. I am still swirling like wildfire. Too many things going on, I am holding on as hard as I can.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003


OK, So I was a little bored, and I found this soft core (get it?) porn in the internet. Oddly enough I found myself a little aroused by this...

My Labor Day weekend gave me a much needed boost of testosterone in my life. I've been hanging out with way too many chicks for the past few months (not that there is anything wrong with it). On Sunday, my brother and I went to play softball with my friends Brandon and Chris at Grant Park in Pasadena. I went 6 for 10, 4 Runs, 2 RBI's, no errors, a fantastic day for a guy who hasn't really played competive softball in over 4 years. We played a couple of games and drank lots of beer along the way. It was great to be surrounded by good guys who just like to have some fun on a beautiful California Sunday afternoon. Although there were a few girls that showed up a little later, we didn't mind it at all.

I did a lot of shopping this weekend. I think I spent way too much money. I bought a new Queen Size bed, this thing is so comfortable I nearly passed out in the showroom. I bought a lot of clothes. Got some cool ass polyester Nike outfits... Damn, I should stop spending my money. I did more packing, and we're moving in next weekend. I am so not looking forward to moving.

My 15 seconds fame down the drain. It was all good, I recorded the episode, and showed it to my friends on Saturday, and they were all having a ball at the expense of me. It's all good though, I can take a little ribbing.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Laid (Matt Nathanson), Minority (Green Day), Effigy (Uncle Tupelo), The Boss (James Brown), Glad Girls (Guided By Voices), Hard Candy (Counting Crows), Love Soon (John Mayer), and Nightrain (Guns 'N Roses).