WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE?It is one of the simplest and obvious questions you can ask yourself, and yet it can be one of the most difficult questions to answer. Most people die, unable to answer that basic question truthfully to themselves. I haven't been able to answer that question truthfully to myself. Sometimes you think you've got it all figured out, and life just keeps throwing along the path that creates friction within you. I've been caught in maligned philosophies, flawed spiritual paths, and progressive self-pragmatism. And I see people around me that are have found that internal niche that allows them to live their life, either in ignorant bliss or determined optimism. What is inside the pit of my stomach? Is it God? Or just bad Mexican food? Too often in my life I've found that I've had to compromise certain things about who I am, and what I am about? Perhaps it's the fear of disappointing someone, or perhaps it's just not realizing what I really want and fighting for it wholeheartedly. Sometimes I feel like the fight has been taken away from me. Whether it's because I work in a cube, or because I'm stuck in over an hour's worth of traffic everyday. I live a life with little or no risk. I have been raised and encouraged to live a safe, risk-adverse, disciplined, and secure lifestyle. And I have battled those pillars the past few years and various capacities, and yet I am still here, a knot in the system, blogging in a cafeteria watching lonely old men eat grapefruits. Is that my future? I am a tamed housecat, not the lion that I should be.
What is the value of my life? Is it my mortgage? My 401-K? My toys? My friendships? My belly? My intrinsic desire to procreate, and start a family? The number of songs in my ipod? Sometimes I find myself twisting and turning in bed at night, unable to sleep, unable to process my past, present, and future. I'd like to live in bliss, unshackled by fear and pride. It sounds so simple, take that leap of faith, and jump into the big unknown, but perphaps the sea is too deep and cliff to high, the landing too unpleasant. Fear is like an itch on your back just a bit too far for your fingernails to reach. Will there ever be answers? It seems as if the more answers I receive, the more questions I have.
I want to fight. I want to clench my fists and feel the might of my heart in it's nucleus. I want to fight for ideas, people, and freedom. I want to be truthful in my motives and intent, and not compromise on the little stuff. I want to fight for soul. Rise up with fists clenched and raised in the air. I want to rise in solitude and in community. I want risk! I want to increase my pain tolerance. I want to be fearless.
