Thursday, July 31, 2003

Sometimes the bad guys finish last. From my experiences in the dating world, nice guys always tend to finish last; so when girls complain that they can't see to meet a decent and nice guy out there, I shake my head. I don't think girls really want a nice guy. They want adventure, fireworks, aggressive, danger, and excitement to add some spice into their life. I'm probably going to step into some minefields on this one. But I've seen from personal experiences that nice guys tend to finish in the bottom of the totem pole. Nice guys are predictable, passive, balanced, and grounded, not that exciting at all. There aren't a lot of nice guys out there, because they are being systematically weeded out from the gene pool.


"he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer
night, running the blade of the knife
under his fingernails, smiling, thinking
of all the letters he had received
telling him that
the way he lived and wrote about
it had kept them going when
all seemed

by Charles Bukowski

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: The Way We Get By (Spoon), Boys and Girls (Good Charlotte), Come With Me (P. Diddy), Stick To Your Guns (Bon Jovi), What Would I Do (Norah Jones), War Pigs (Faith No More), and Popular Mechanics (Rhinocerose).

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

The emergence of the Metrosexual is a response to blurring gender lines that is becoming more apparent society. I hope I'm not a Metrosexual (not that there is anything wrong with it), but I've had ex-girlfriends and female friends tell me that I can be very sensitive and feminine sometimes. There have been a couple of ex-gf's who have questioned my sexuality, because I refused to label myself straight, even though I don't have interests in being with a man. I simply don't believe in sexual labels that's all. I can appreciate feminine things and activities. I make a great shopping friend, I will hold your bag, and I will go with you in the dressing room and tell you an honest opinion of how a dress looks on you. I am patient (perhaps too patient sometimes) with my female friends who love to go shopping. When you have to go to the bathroom, I am willing to hold your purse. I appreciate good massages, and indulge in a spa every once in a while. But I am a man's man, I am secure enough with my sexuality, that I can play football and basketball with the boys, watch wrestling, get drunk with beer, and get dirty with the best of them. Just because I can cook, and attend a Raiders game at the same day doesn't mean I'm weird, or does it?

I made a bid for a house in Pasadena. In my earnest desire to invest money, and look forward to a future of homeownership. I'm excited to finally have a place to call home. A place where I can build something and work on to establish. Once everything is all arranged, we're going to have one awesome fiesta.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Jurgen Habermas is the champion philospher of our era; centuries from now people will be quoting and misquoting this German philosopher. Habermas is the eternal rationalist, the murderer of post-modernism, and an enemy for the left and the right. He is balanced, and structurally grounded in logic and optimism. Habermas perists that "in our everyday knowledge of how language is properly used we find a common ground among all creatures with a human face." That's called "humanism." That's called "universalism." These are beliefs any self-respecting postmodernist rejected decades ago. Habermas is convinced that through reasoned communication we humans can get beyond our biases. He insists that if society focuses on the glory of the impulse to communicate in philosophy, reasonable citizens can exchange views and reach an acceptable social contract between the minority and the majority.

So how does this relate to my life? I've always maintained that philosophy is art. Reading a great philosopher is comparable to seeing a Picasso painting, hearing a Miles Davis performance, or reading Neruda poem. Philosphy is more than just a discourse for academia, it is an artwork that is wonderfully beautiful in its essence. Despite its beauty, philosophy can be dangerous. It has the power to oppress, suppress, murder, and destroy. Habermas is in the center of our modern philosophical landscape, gone are the days of existentialists and their Marxists brethren. Today post-modernism is filtered through our everyday social habits from music, architecture, art, poetry, language, and culture. Habermas is the traffic cop, putting order and balance back to society. He asks us, is it better to have justice or fairness? How do we rationalize justice? How do we create equality in a system of inequality?

She's a thousand miles away from me
Serves me right.
She's got me wandering
around this room,
this city,
and my memory.
Serves me right.
and now I've got nothing...
I was wondering,
where she is today.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Song for the Dumped (Ben Folds Five), Out Of The Blue (Robbie Robertson), A Sorta Fairytale (Tori Amos), Gloria (U2), Castles In The Sky (Ian Van Dahl), Heaven (Warrant), Shoot The Moon (Coldplay), and Believer (BT)

Monday, July 28, 2003

It was a rough weekend. I talked with Alex a little bit, but it wasn't obviously enough. My friends have been trying hard to cheer me up, but I don't know if I want to be cheered up right now. Pain is something that I've used in the past to fuel creative breakthroughs in writing and self-discovery. As of right now it hasn't quiet sunk in yet, but I know my brain is conspiring. It is remembering these feelings and emotions, and is waiting for the perfect time to funnel this energy. Most people have to talk to other people when they are hurt to make them feel better. I like to deal with the problem internally. Like a think tank, I dissect my emotions in various angles, spiritual, philosophy, history, scientific, mystical, and poetic. In the end something beautiful comes out of it. At least that's what I hope for...

I've never really maintained a long distance relationship to this degree, so there is a fear for me. There is so much varied emotions running through me, that I've found myself awkardly imbalanced. Yet it this fear, this hurting, that I thrive on. I do my best work when I am not comfortable, when I am pushed to the limits of human emotions and human experience. I have seen humanity at its worse. And I have seen humanity at its best. I have seen myself at my worse. And I have seen myself at my best. Having walked through hell and back, and living to tell about it, I value emotions and life to its fullest.

I finally had the chance to see the movie Amorres Perros, and if you haven't seen that movie, you better check yourself. The movie had as many plot twists and turns as Magnolia and Pulp Fiction. The character that I could relate to the most was of the wino. The wino used to be a college professor and he decided to join a revolutionary guerilla group and paid the price by being imprisoned for 20 years. Before he was sent off to jail, he told his wife to tell their daughter that his father was dead. 20 years later he is a hitman for the cop that sent him to jail (the irony *sic*), and he is forced to confront his daughter after going to his wife's funeral. ***** (Five stars, a twirl, and a swirl...)

5. Boys do cry.
4. Running 3 miles a day can fuck up your knees.
3. Do not go to IKEA when you're emotional messed up.
2. I can't sing worth a lick.
1. I can be sober. I swear I haven't drank anything all weekend.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Wandering (Ben Folds), P.I.M.P. (50 Cent), Heartsong (Zwan), Goodbye Stranger (Supertramp), Kama Sultra (Chicane), Ghetto (Supreme Beings of Love), and Bananeira (Babel Gilberto).

Friday, July 25, 2003

Alex left yesterday. I had prepared myself for the impending hurt, but I was overwhelmed with emotions. I ran around the LAX parking lot trying to find my car, and all these emotions swept up inside of me like a tidal wave. I guess one can't really be prepared for their emotions. I miss her, but this is my lot in life, and I have chosen to accept. Pleasure in misery. I got a couple of e-mails from her expressing her emotions as well. It's been under difficult circumstances that we've had to part, but it's something that I have to deal with and accept if I want to be with her.

I will try to take advantage of the time I have away from Alex. I feel like I need to be a machine for a little while. So I have to apologize to all my friends, if I decide to isolate myself a little bit, and refocus back on myself.

Life is still laughing at me. He is having a good chuckle on this one. But mark my words, vengeance shall be mine.

6. Play basketbal on Sundays with the boys. I need some testosterone back in my system.
5. Finish reading Habermas. I started reading him, and never really finished. So this is my chance to finish Habermas...
4. Re-energize my workouts. Run more. Swim more. Lift more. Focus more.
3. Learn HTML, and web design. Finish my personal website.
2. Catch up with old friends.
1. Work on my second book.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Absolutely Nothing, too depressing to listen to music right now.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

I learned over the weekend that my godfather died. I remember him vaguely from my childhood, he was the playboy godfather, who always brought the best presents and had the best girls around his arms. Perhaps I was too young to realize his flaws, and got lost in his generosity, but he was the perfect and invincible godfather in my eyes. It wasn't until recently that his flaws were exposed to me, and it's a secret that he has kept from everyone for years. As the son of a well-to do family in the Philippines, he had quick access to money, women, and respect. I remember seeing him at a plaza in the Philippines when I was a little kid, and he was surrounded by his own militia and by beautiful women. I was very proud to be remotely connected to him. He would scatter the hair on my forehead every time he saw me. When my family moved to the U.S., I talked to him over the phone a few times but as I grew up, I lost track of him. My father would send him pictures of things that I had done and accomplished in the states, and he seemed fairly proud of me.

I hadn't seen him until I went to visit the Philippines in 2001, after almost 17 years of exile in the U.S. He attended my welcome back party, and in his usual way he showed up with another beautiful woman around his arms. But this time no gifts, no chocolate, and no body guards. He had lost a lot of weight, he looked frail, desperate, and he wasn't able to pay attention to anything that I was talking about. I didn't think much of it, until a few weeks later when I overheard a conversation that he had been high on drugs one night and took his guns and started threatening all his neighbors with it. As more stories like that grew and grew, I began to be concerned, but there was nothing I can do because I had to go back to the U.S. When I got back, I would hear stories here and there of the things that he went through, and it hit me that his life was spiraling into the abyss. I am still not sure what actually went down, but I am fairly sure that it involved drugs.

So another person in my life decides to exit abruptly.

Fortunately death hasn't been that common in my life. But as I get older, I know I am going to have to confront the issue that the people around me that I care for and love dearly may pass away, and perhaps I should value the time and moments I have with them; for life is too precious and wonderful.

"I want to fly, never come down.
Live my life, and have friends around.
I want to live in wooden house,
making friends would be easy."
- Coldplay

People come and people go in my life.. It is a revolving door. Some people stick for years to hang out, enjoy the scenery, then for whatever they leave and move on with their lives. Some people move in for good. Some people come in and out as they please. Some people see the facade, and don't even bother to come in. My door is always open. So come in, grab a cup of coffee, grab a chair, kick up your feet, relax, and enjoy the show, just make sure to throw your trash when you're done.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Sparks (Coldplay), Friday's Dust (Doves), Tainted Love (Soft Cell), Back On The Chain Gang(The Pretenders), Seven Nation Army (The White Stripes), The Ballad of El Goodo (Evan Dando), and Have-A-Go Merchant (Morrissey)

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

I used to keep a journal with me through our high school and college, but when I entered the real world I stopped writing in it, and eventually it was something that I stopped doing. A few months ago, Alfie and Paula asked me to start doing my own little blog, and at first it was hard for me to get going. It takes a certain mentality to start doing a blog, and I didn't want to start one if I wasn't going to update it pretty well. I've always felt that I have a relationship with my blog, it takes a while for me to feel and get used to my blog, but once I do I really get going. At first, I was hesitant to really open up in my blog. I was very wary of using names, and using direct emotions, especially to something that most of my friends will be reading. But during the past few weeks, I've felt a closer relationship with my blog that I have been able write things a little more intimate than I have usually been able to.

The problem with a blog, specifically one that you take personally and emotionally, is that whatever you write in there it is presented to the world for their judgment. You are baring your soul, naked to the incriminating eye. People will quote your blog as if it is a testament of your life. And whatever is entered in your blog, is set in stone (almost). It will be used against you in the future in certain circumstances. They will refer to your blog as if it is a symbolic representation of how you are as a person and how you live your life.

Perhaps my blog shouldn't be that specific. I have friends who write blogs that use nicknames and such. For some reason, I have chosen to use the real names of the people that have entered my life. I think for the most part, I blog for entertainment purposes, and to bounce thoughts against a wall. It is neither to make light or judgments upon the people around my lives, but I know everyone will somehow take it the wrong way. The intentions are never meant to harm. or expose the flaws of certain people. I stand by what I write, because I believe in it. Will some of them offend? Perhaps Will some of them maybe present people in the wrong light? Perhaps. But at the end this blog is intended nothing more than for entertainment purposes.

I hope everyone can understand the intentions of this blog. And if they don't or they can't, then they shouldn't be reading this...

I am drained. The clock is ticking... faster and faster as we close in on the day that Alex will be leaving. I can feel my heart throbbing out of my chest. I have planned great and wonderful distractions for the next month that I am actually looking forward to. But ultimately it will boil down to me having to be more optimistic than I usually am to bring some sanity into my life. What does one do after spending every weekend in the past four months with someone? It's like my siamese twin is being cut away from me, and I am left to walk around this world alone. This is life laughing his ass off at me. Don't worry life, I'll get you back!!!

Monday, July 21, 2003

Saturday night was Alex's Limousine Party, a party intended to be a rollicking good time. Instead it ended up becoming a drunk solo deutsch girl partying and not remembering anything. Alex and I discussed the concept of drinking. I learned that Europeans have a much different idea and concept of drinking. If you're not passed out from drinking alcohol, then you really haven't partied. While for most Americans drinking is more of a social event, where we get buzzed and tipsy, and every once in while shack up with an ugly person or two. Alcohol is a very sensitive and interesting topic. I think most of my friends would not consider themselves drinkers, and tend to have a very negative outlook towards people who drink. I consider myself a drinker (perhaps even a drunk at times), but I am very responsible while under the influence. There have been way too many alcoholics who have started this way, but I feel fairly confident that my drinking habits are healthy and undestructive. Obviously I can only vouch for myself. Alex I think may have a drinking issue, and that's something I have confronted with her, and that I hope she will realize of herself. As is the life you lead when you choose to be with a drunk-ass Deutsch girl.

Last night, Alex and I went through my photo albums from junior high school all the way to college. We shared a lot of laughs and stories, and I hoped she was able to at least understand a little bit of how I grew up and the friends that I had. Going through that photo album reminded me how I impulsive, crazy, and outrageiously spontaneous I was back then, and I'd like to think I haven't changed much during those years. It seems so foreign and distant nowadays, but my high school and college days were definitely things I would never forget.

5. Terminator 3: "I'm back!!"
4. Finding Nemo "Cute little fishies swimming around the ocean, how gay?!"
3. Extraordinary League of Gentleman "Sean Connery with literature action heroes, where do I sign?"
2. The Anarchist Cookbook "A comedy about anarchists, sign me up!!"
1. City of God "Got great reviews..."

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Buddy (The Lemonheads), Crazy Mary (Pearl Jam), Her Mantle So Green (Sinead O'Connor), In My Life (The Beatles), Lullaby (James), Silver Lining (David Gray), and Sunday (The Cranberries).

Friday, July 18, 2003

Life sometimes flies by way too fast and we aren't able to process the memories and lessons of the present. We are inundated with a culture built on speed, and it has left our consciousness to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I feel like we are just staring at the blank static screen, looking into the great infinity that technology has created for us. Despite these social and psychological constraints, we are sometimes able to reach a consciousness where we can create art, music, and literature. Or maybe I am just talking out of my ass...

"Sleep... Sleep... I need more sleep..."

Carmel e-mailed me back and sent along a picture of her very cute 5 month old child. She seemed to have embraced the whole idea of family hood, and it seems as if she capture her American Dream. Beautiful husband (check!), beautiful house (check!), and beautiful child (check!). That lifestyle still seems so foreign to me, but it has become a reality to more and more of the friends that I grew up. It's kinda like death and taxes, it is certain to swallow you up and spit you out. It was nice to connect with her again. We were very close growing up, and always valued our friendship, and now that we are adults it is fascinating how we've all turned out. Ever since high school, I kinda knew and expected that Carmel was a much more spiritual and family-oriented person than any person I hung out with. For some reason I felt like she had been working on this family for over a decade now. She deserves it...


CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: American Dream (Jakatta), Follow Me (Jam & Spoon), I Feel Good (James Brown), The Horizon Has Been Defeated (Jack Johnson), Undertow (Ivy), Loose Change (Ja Rule), and I'm With You (Avril Lavigne).

Thursday, July 17, 2003

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." -- Bertrand Russell

sleep... wake... left eye... right eye... turning the screws... swimming through the electical currents... like a house fly... spinning turrets... pumping pistons... insomnia... amnesia... clusterphobia... hot butter... turnstiles... sweat...

No drama this week (knock on wood!), just pleasure and enjoyment. I am very happy that all issues Alex and I faced for the past two weeks have been resolved, and now have just been able to join the last few days that we have with each other. I see her departure as a celebration because I feel there is something inside me that says that I will see her again, and that our paths will cross. We are planning a wonderful celebration for her last weekend here in L.A. hopefully it will all come to fruition.

SITE OF THE DAY: Masturbate all you want.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Faint (Linkin Park), Devil Song (Beth Orton), My Baby Just Cares For Me (Nina Simone), Say Something (James), Apart (The Cure), Bones (Radiohead), Get Gone (Fiona Apple), and Dawn Can't Decide (The Lemonheads).

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

I was working out at the gym yesterday, minding my own beeswax, when a tall lanky blonde starts staring at me attentively. Flattered at first, but focused on my workout, I ignored it. Then finally she approached me, and introduced herself as Michelle. Then boom I felt like I was on the Back To the Future Delorean. Michelle Brannin was one of my closest friends throughout high school, we had drifted apart a few years ago for whatever reason. But it was great to see her. We used to spend most of our weekends together along with Darrin, Armen, and Carmel. She had been living in Switzerland the past year as an au pere, but now she's back here in the states. Its nice to run into someone that was a big part of your life when you were growing up. She also informed me that Carmel, is now happily married and has a newborn baby. I am still amazed at how fast life can be sometimes. I still think of her as my homecoming date when I was a sophomore.

Alex and I have come closer during the past few days. I think the setbacks and arguments from last week have helped our resolve and understanding of each other. We are still facing a lot of decisions and tests to be with each other, but we are very much content in just spending the next few days with each other. I have found some solace in her departure. It's always hard to say let someone that you really care for go, but sometimes it tests your mettle, and allows you to focus on what you value in life. The past few months have just been a wonderful treat; full of memories and joy. We have definitely made a mark on each other's lives. How this will all turnout, who knows, but I have emotionally prepared myself to deal with the consequences.

SITE OF THE DAY: Robosnail

CURRENTLY LISTENING: Monday Monday (Tegan And Sara), Ghosts (Eddi Reader), Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode), Just Like Heaven (The Cure), Party (Nelly Furtado), Kate (Ben Folds Five), In Limbo (Radiohead), Wish You Were Here (Incubus), and Lonestar (Norah Jones).

Monday, July 14, 2003

Alex and I went to Catalina Island on Sunday. It was a beautiful and perfect day. The ocean was calm, and the waters were clear and beautiful. Alex and I rented an ocean kayak and travelled along the coast of Catalina Island. We found an isolated cove and decided to come on shore and enjoy the ocean scenery. As we were sitting around on the rocky beach, I noticed that there was a cave on the side of the cliff. I decided to enter the cave and explore. Inside I found a cooler, a bag of charcoal, and big lamp; as I surveyed the rest of the cave I noticed a blanket that covered what look like a man lying down face up. I immediately crawled out and told Alex. It looked like the person was sleeping, but we noticed that he wasn't breathing. I threw rocks and yelled inside the cave, to try and wake him up, but it didn't work there was no movement. So we waited for a few minutes trying to decide what to do. I thought that there was a dead man in there, and was pretty afraid to open the covers and check it, instead I was going to go to the nearest Harbor Patrol or Lifeguard and have them to check it out. Alex was too curious so she decideds to get a stick, go back in there, and open up the blanket. I followed her from the back armed with a big piece of rock (just in case things got a little hairy). Alex slowly tried to use the stick to flip the blanket over but the stick broke. Then she got a thicker and stronger stick, and after a few intense moments she quickly flipped over the blanket. And lo and behold we found a bottle of water and a few camping accessories that made a formation of a human body. We were a little startled, but we laughed at ourselves. It was something really stupid and funny.

Despite our recent string of arguments and miscommunications, Alex and I were able to have a really memorable and wonderful weekend. I vowed to make her last few weeks her as enjoyable and fun as possible. Sometimes our feelings for each other can be so intense that it just sweeps us our own feet. We both have very stubborn personalities, and sometimes that's not a combination, but our feelings for each other sometimes seems to overwhelm any problems or issues that we have from each other. I think I learned a lot about how to communicate with her after going through what happened during the past week. And I think she has a better understanding of how I operate in certain situations.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Poor Misguided Fool (Starsailor), Pass In Time (Beth Orton), You Belong To Me (Bob Dylan), Early (Chicane), Long December (Counting Crowes), Why Georgia (John Mayer), and Letter To Elise (The Cure).

Thursday, July 10, 2003

After an emotional week, filled with drama and confusion, I need a serious dose of Clarity, and my friend, Clare, was there to provide the objectiveness and perspective to balance me out. Clare has always been good in listening to me without making any judgments, and I respect that. She is very good in explaining situations, and how to handle and affirm my feelings and emotions without getting too contrite or cliched. Clare knows me well enough that she can sense whenever I'm not myself, and it forces me to refocus on my self. She is quick to pat me on the back when I do something good, and she is just as quick to kick me on the back when I do something bad. She understands my position, and is cognizant to how my mind works and how I deal with certain things. Even though I still don't believe in therapy (sorry Clare), I know she provided me with a wonderful and cheap service that is very much similar to therapy. After talking to her I reached a better understanding about myself and what I want out my conflict with Alex. I feel very fortunate to have someone who will be there for me through thick or thin; there's not a lot of people out there who can do that. So Clare! Here's a toast to you... Glug! Glug!

While hanging out with Clare and my glass of Guinness at the King King waiting for Critter Jones to peform (they couldn't make it Jesse Miller's girl had a baby). Mike arrived with Julie L. Julie was a flashback from way back to my high school years, specifically the last few weeks of our senior year. I've always felt a little remorse at the circumstances in which we parted ways, and there has been a lack of closure between us. And when I saw her walk into the bar, I almost choked up on my foamy Guinness. I did not think our paths would ever cross again, but after I bought her a drink, we quickly caught up with each other. We discussed our journeys from the past to the present, reflected on what we had learned over time. It was a pleasant conversation that gave me a sense of peace and closure in what had happened in the past. I felt that I settled a little bit of my past, and that gave me a positive feeling for a change.

G.Y.S.T. (Get Your Shit Together) was a rallying tradition for Johnston Center students at the University of Redlands, it was something that we did before each semester that allowed us to refocus our goals and purpose in life. We would have a bonfire in the desert, and we would scream our mission statements in life at the screaming mass of flame that would light up the dark Mojave sky. So this is my G.Y.S.T. (without the yelling and without the desert), I need to get my shit together.

1. I need to resolve my issues with Alex.
2. I need to start writing like a madman again.
3. I need to get my website and marketing stuff up and running.
4. I need to catch up with some friends that I have neglected over the past year.
5. I need to energize and revitalize my workout.
6. I need to settle my debts.
7. I need to finish reading Kerouac, Ginsberg, and Derridas.
8. I need to contribute something to my community.
9. I need to submit more of my shit to publications and get moving.
10. I need to learn something new this year (perhaps learn to play the guitar).

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Comfort In Sound (Feeder), Area Codes (Ludacris), Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode), A Sorta Fairytale (Tori Amos), High Speed (Coldplay), Babylon (David Gray), Blueside (Rooney), Black Balloon (Goo Goo Dolls), and String for Yasmin (Chicane).

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

During our trip to Durango, Alex and I stopped over at Prescott, AZ, home of the world's oldest active rodeo. It was quite an experience. I learned a lot about the rural American lifestyle, and discovered a little bit about middle America. Rodeos became the centerpiece of this community. There was pride in the children and the adults, and knowledge and appreciation of the southwestern culture were definitely passed down from each generation to the next in this event. I felt like an outsider looking in, but I also felt the hospitality and the friendliness from each smile. This was a community that wasn't going to hide from their rural culture. I respected their culture, lifestyle, and personality. So I promised myself to make no more redneckor mullet jokes (at least not for the rest of the summer).

Driving through Navajo Nation was a reality check, it reminded me of how this country was won on the blood shed by Native Americans. I've always been indifferent to Native American culture; I never really had any interest in it even though one of my favorite professors always encouraged me to study Native American culture. Passing through their history as we drove through the 15 FWY, I regretted not doing that. I know I will make more of a conscious effort to read up on Native American culture.

Durango suffocated me. At almost 7,000 miles above sea level, I was breathing for oxygen after walking up a set of stairs. This was middle whitebread cracker America, complete with a Wallmart and JC Penney. I counted 4 minorities during my stroll through downtown Durango, and I counted myself. Despite its lack of diversity I felt welcomed, and I
felt the hospitality of the city. They had genuine smiles, and conversations, it was so different from L.A. People were actually courteous while they were driving. There was a definite family atmosphere in this 20,000 strong community. Could I ever settle here with my family? Yes. Could I ever live here by myself? Hell fucking no, I'd shoot myself.

When I met Alex's host family, I was instantly stricken by their sincerity, friendliness, and joy. We were given homemade meals, everything from the meat, salad, to the ice cream. It was wonderfully corny. Even the daughter with the shy, conservative, and Macaroni-salad blonde hair, they welcomed me with open arms, and I instantly felt like Beaver Cleaver. It was so cheesily delicious.

Charlie is Alex's former host-father. Charlie is a retired Air force man, and there is one thing he loves in life, beer. We instantly hit it off, we hung out in his den, as we drank Keystone Lights (which he gets at the local Sam's club for $10 a 30 pack). We talked about beer, traveling, and the Air Force. We talked about the simplicity of life. This was a man who started out as a gas station attendant when he was my age, and ended up as a leading Traffic Control Educator for the U.S. Air Force. He had fought in Vietnam, and had lived in Germany, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, and the Philippines. The other thing that Charlie liked to do was start trouble with big corporations. Since he has retired he has really nothing else to do but sue corporations that have been stealing his minerals for years. He enjoys it and is proud of it. I want to be a grumpy old drunk man when I'm at his age. This was one of the happiest men I had ever met...

Perhaps we were due for it, but during this trip, Alex and I reached a fork on the road. And it was damn big fork. We had been inseparable for weeks since we had started our relationship, and this was supposed to be the trip that would further our resolve for each other. Instead it became a constant emotional struggle for us to communicate, comprehend, and trust each other.

Every relationship reaches a point where a line is drawn on the sand, and it either continues on its journey or it flutters like a car which has just run out of gas. I don't know which path we're both going to take, but I know its something that has to crossed. Trust is a vital part of any friendship or relationship, and I firmly believe we have to have a solid foundation of trust for each other if we can grow and cultivate our relationship, especially since she is leaving at the end of this month. We already have an uncertain future, and without trust there is nothing to bind us together when we are 5,200 miles away from each other. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation, its just a matter of trust.

I am not perfect.
I will lie, cheat, and steal,
and I will not wash my own dishes.
I am not honest.
I will provoke, accuse, and blame others,
and I will not put the toilet seat up.
I am not clean.
I will attack, annoy, and fight the innocent,
and I will not feel remorse.
I am not pure.
I will contaminate, annihilate, and destroy,
and I will not clean up my mess.
I am not innocent.
I will be greedy, selfish, and angry,
and I will not apologize for them.
I am not flawless.
I will hurt, fight, and cry,
and I will not regret any of my emotions.
I am not brilliant.
I will burn, bury, and step on the weak,
and I will not feel sympathy.
I am not righteous.
I will backstab, kick, and doublecross the gods,
and I will not be fair.
I am not immaculate.
I will harass, hunt, and pillage the naive,
and I will not leave a soul unscathed.
I am not who you think I am.
I will never be who you think I am.

I am a misfit. I am a criminal. I am a liar.
I am a rebel. I am awarrior. I am a murderer.
I am a shark.
I am a lover. I am a poet. I am a teacher.
I am a healer. I am a leader. I am a creator.
I am a flower.

I am not the Prince Charming
or Knight with the Shining armor of your dreams.
I am simply a frog who will never turn into a prince.

I will disappoint. I will let you down. I will fail.
I will breakdown. I will fall apart.
I will care. I will listen. I will embrace you.
I will nurture. I will be tender.

I will run with scissors and I will play with fire.

I am not the superman you thought I was.
I am nothing but a witless drunk,
who writes miserable poems on napkins.
Please don't try to figure it out, it will never make sense.
And once you think you've figured it out,
I'm sure I'll have something up my sleeve
that will destroy your perception of me;
So don't bother to figure it out,
I'm pretty sure I'll disappoint you anyway.
After all I am just human...

and yet despite my imperfections,
I can still LOVE.

5. I am not like 9 out of 10 people you will ever meet.
4. I surpisingly have incredible respect for the Star Spangled Banner.
3. Whitebread Country Crackers love me.
2. I have reached a better understanding of the mullet (but I still don't like it).
1. I can be a pissy little motherfucker...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: The Forest (The Cure), Sing (Travis), It's Not The End of The World (Super Furry Animals), Overture 1812 (Peter Ilych Tchaikovsky), Bad (U2), I Remember You (Skid Row), Hoops (Chemical Brothers), and Bette Davis Eyes (Bonnie Tyler).

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Last night Alex told me that she will purchase her ticket to go back to Germany around July 24th (in three weeks). It didn't dawn on me until then that we don't have that much time together. I began to think about all the things that we had done the past few months, and how she had become such an important part of my life, it's hard to even recall how things were before I met her. We don't know what's going to happen once she leaves. I don't know if she's going back to her boyfriend. I don't know if she'll lose her connection with me. I don't know if she'll find someone else. There are a lot of uncertainties. I couldn't sleep. My body was drained from pounding my body at the gym all day, I was tired; and yet I couldn't sleep. I just thought about how I have to let her go in a few weeks. I know its something that has to happen, and I've known it since Day One; but it still hurts a little bit.

Alex and I will be going to beautiful Durango, Colorado for the Fourth of July Holiday weekend. I am excited to get back on the road, and be with her. I have enjoyed our travels so far, she seems to be one of the few people I can travel with, and that's hard to find, especially for me. We plan to visit Mike the Headless Chicken, and that should be a hoot and a holler.

Loved and Lost
Loved and Lost
They say it is better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all.
Loved and Lost
Loved and Lost
If it is better to have loved and lost,
how come I am so miserable.
Loved and Lost
Loved and Lost
Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all,
must've been a punk-ass bitch.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Surrounded (Chantal Kreviazuk), Ressurection (Paul Oakenfold), Best Kept Secret (Longwave), Come Pick Me Up (Ryan Adams), Running To Stand Still (U2), Don't Panic (Coldplay), On a Plain (Nirvana), Rushing (Moby), and Bells of War (Wu-Tang Clan).

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

After a rollercoaster week last week, I am looking forward to some stability and peace. Alex and I are planning to go to Durango, Colorado to visit her host parents. It's going to be a wonderful trip, I love the driving through the open roads of the southwest. As Alex and I do more and more stuff, it becomes quiet apparent that she will probably be leaving in a few weeks, and that sucks a lot. She had been postponing her departure for a while now, and it looks as if she is really leaving this time at the end of this month. I don't know what's going to happen when she goes back to Germany, I don't even know what to expect. If it is any consolation, I am a little proud that I have allowed myself to feel this way for a person. Perhaps I can take that small victory, and continue my growth.

It has been increasingly tough for me to see her talk to her ex-boyfriend from Germany. I wasn't as bothered by it before, but for some reason it has started to eat at me a little bit. I don't if its because she has to go back and confront him, and I'm a little afraid that may spark and start some magic . I know she's very conscious about saying anything about him, but even though it bothers to me I do want to know what's going on between them. I also want to be there for her. It's all a phucked up little situation, but I am hopeful that things will work itself out in the end. I do really like her, and I feel like there's still a lot for us to do and explore together in our lives.

5. JESSICA - for sharing your wonderful knowledge of vibrators.
4. ALFIE - for the I Love Meat stickers, and the dinner at Ichiban.
3. CHILEAN SEA MONSTER - for not eating me when I was swimming in the ocean.
2. CRITTER JONES - for playing good music and screaming my name in front of everyone.
1. CHARISSE JESENA - for working hard as a single mom, and not giving up on her dreams.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Bad (U2), Once (Pearl Jam), Shorty Gonna Be a Thug (2Pac), Insterstate Love Song (Stone Temple Pilots), Life In A Glasshouse (Radiohead), Love Vigilantes (New Order), Tomorrow (James), and
Red Skies (Chicane).