Friday, April 29, 2005


It's amazing how quickly life can change. Everything is going peach one moment, and next thing you know a ten-ton truck just runs over you. It is that exact preciousness of life that I keep reminding myself. I'm leaving for the Philippines tonight, I don't know when I'll be back, I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't know where I'll end up. I have been overwhelmed by outpour of emotions and support from all my friends. I am a lucky person. I feel blessed. I am sleepless. I am emotionally drained. I feel like I am clinging on to the edge of a very large cliff. I haven't packed yet, and I have to be at the airport in four hours. I keep seeing my father's solemn face when I close my eyes, its hauntingly beautiful and serene.

Thank you.
Thank you everyone.
And I love you all....

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


My father passed away last night....


"We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us..."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


I finally sat down with Brooke and showed her my favorite movie, Magnolia. People have always been divided by the movie because it is buried in thick complex layers. Either people get frustrated with it, or they embrace it and gravitate to its amazing story. So here are a few explanations:

The number 82 plays an important role in the whole movie, here are a few of its instances:

Exodus 8:2 "And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs"

- The chance of rain is 82% right??

- Magnolia is an 8 letter word with 2 a's

- At the Whiz Kid Show there is a man in the crowd holding a sign that says Exodus 8:2 on it.

- The pilot is then seen playing Blackjack in Vegas. He needs a 2. He gets an 8.

- In the first story, the hanging victim is wearing the number 82.

- In the second story, the pilot is in a red plane marked 82.

- March 23rd, the day that Sydney jumps, is the 82nd day of that year.

- Downstairs, we enter the home of the Barringer's, who have live at apartment number 682.

- When Sydney is loading his gun, the hands on the clock right behind him are on the 8 and the 2.

- The clock on the wall during police officer Jim Kurring's (John C. Reilly) briefing reads 8:02.

- A sequence shows Jimmy Gator has 8 television Emmys and 2 kids.

- On the back of the paper that Jim is reading in the morning, there's a head line that starts "Frogs: . . ."

- Jimmy Gator informs the audience that the kids team are heading into their 8th week and there are 2 days and 2 games left until they beat the record.

- When Marcie is taken to jail, the number for her photos is made up entirely of 8s, 2s and 0s.

- Claudia wants to go on a date a 8, however Jim doesn't get off till 2 hours later.

- In the bar, there is an 8 and a 2 handwritten in blue on a dry-erase scoreboard and the numbers seem to be the score of some sort of game whose team names are "Frogs" and "Clouds."

- "Quiz Kid" Donnie Smith's oversize check is dated April 28.

- There is a Frogger video game in the Smilin' Peanut Bar.

So what does this all mean....

Throughout history people have been able to judge the health of a society by the health of its frogs: the health of a frog, the vibe of a frog, the texture of the frog, its looks, how much wetness is on it, everything. The frogs are a barometer for who we are as a people. We're polluting ourselves, we're killing ourselves, and the frogs are telling us so, because they're all getting sick and deformed.

You get to a point in your life, and shit is happening, and everything's out of your control, and suddenly, a rain of frogs just makes sense. You're staring at a doctor who is telling you something is wrong, and while we know what it is, we have no way of fixing it. And you just go: "So what you're telling me, basically, is that it's raining frogs from the sky."

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say an uncommon-place thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles..."

Jack Kerouac,
On The Road

Monday, April 25, 2005


I've been having serious problems going to sleep. Even before Xara, I would spend hours and hours just lying around my bed trying to go to sleep. I've tried tiring myself out, by running miles and miles, but it doesn't work. I'm just tired but I can't go to sleep. And it's not as if there's a lot of things in my head. I don't have any issues with anyone, I don't feel like anything is troubling me, and yet when I lie down on my bed each night, I feel nothing. Perhaps its that feeling of numbness that doesn't allow me to go to sleep. It's frustrating.

There is something about the Burning Man community that makes me feel unusually secure and happy. It's a good thing, but that happiness sometimes boils over into over exhuberant jubilation. I get myself into trouble, and next thing I know I am passed out in a tent surrounded by men and women with white make-up on.

Xara began so innocently, I arrived, I staked my claim to my camp. Then I hiked around and met some friends. I waited for Chris, Michelle, Rob, and Cecilia to come, but I was having a lot of fun exploring the vast luscious netherness of this monastery. It was a grand example of what communal should be. So I drank a little early, so what...

When the rest of Tabula Rasa finally arrived, I was pretty much about halfway to the gutter point (the point of no return). And when Chris, Cecilia, and I downed a few more beers, I was destined for a long night, I knew it, but I couldn't stop it. Dulzura was cold, wet, and foggy. We mostly huddled around the firepits to keep ourselves warm. As the night went on, Chris was puking and called it a night. Cecilia went of exploring, and we ended up at Wolfie's lake. Although Cecilia and I hadn't really had an opportunity to sit down and get connected, I was happy to finally get a chance to know her and connect with her. Then we kept hearing weird noises at the lake, and I thought I saw the loch ness monster. So I took her back to her tent where she presumably passed out.

I, on the other hand, kept stumbling around until I found myself in the plaza. And this is where shit started to fall apart, and memories became hazy. I met a group of people watching a performance on stage, it was very Kraftwerkish. I started a few conversations, and next thing I know this girl just grabs me, and we're in my tent. Then I get kicked out. We go dancing. I start a fight. I fall down a few hundred times. I lost my skirt. I am wet. I am cold. I land in the middle of nowhere. Someone gives me their furry coat. I stumble some more. And I pass out in the Purple Catnip Lounge. Only to wake up with a small group of people with white faces sharing a huka around me. They all smile at me, but I feel slightly groggy and unsure of what had happened. I lost my sweater. I manage to get myself out, and I stumble around again. Then I see a couple of familiar faces, Rob and Michelle. That helped to straighten me out a little bit. I walk around like a zombie, nothing feels right, and I tried lying down in my tent and car, and I still can't go to sleep. I managed to get myself to my usual spot on the bowl chair in our jewelry tent, and I still can't seem to go to sleep. I just didn't feel right all day.

By late afternoon, I was a beaten man. Nine Days in the desert could not beat me, but one day in the forest did. Everyone around me was starting to bother me, and I was no longer feeling safe or secure. The cold was bearing down its icy hands on me, and I had to leave. So I excused myself to camp, made my journey back to civilization. I pulled over somewhere in San Diego and went to sleep for a couple of hours. But this was a failed mission. I need to take more responsibility of myself.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005



CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- A steady stream of the faithful and the curious, many carrying flowers and candles, have flocked to an expressway underpass for a view of a yellow and white stain on a concrete wall that some believe is an image of the Virgin Mary.

Police have patrolled the emergency turnoff area under the Kennedy Expressway since Monday as hundreds of people have walked down to see the image and the growing memorial of flowers and candles that surround it. Beside the image is an artist's rendering of the Virgin Mary embracing Pope John Paul II in a pose some see echoed in the stain.

Imagine walking around drunk one night, and you're in a serious need to piss. So you find a nice dark underpass, pull down your pants, and piss away, only to see that a figure of the Virgin Mary starts to appear from you piss. "We believe it's a miracle," said Elbia Tello, "We have faith, and we can see her face." People are actually lining up wanting to touch this.

There is a fine line between faith and mania, I think this crosses the line...

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


I've always said that my favorite Coldplay song is something that they haven't written yet. Chris Martin and the gang will be releasing their third album on June 6th, entitled X&Y. Speed Of Sound is currently available off iTunes. So go pick it up...

Here are the track listings
1. Square One
2. What If
3. White Shadows
4. Fix You
5. Talk
6. X&Y
7. Speed of Sound
8. A Message
9. Low
10. The Hardest Part
11. Swallowed In The Sea
12. Twisted Logic

For the past 10 years, April and May has always been NBA Playoff time for me. My life definitely revolved around watching the Lakers' annual ride through the playoffs. Now that the Lakers aren't in the playoffs, I have completely lost interest in the NBA, and I can't seem to find things to do during April and May. I'm bored. At least the Dodgers are doing well, and that keeps me interested in television for a little while. But I need to get out more often...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


These next few weeks could get a little crazy. I can't believe Xara will be on next weekend, I am so not ready for it, and Coachella happens right after it as well. I haven't really confirmed for Coachella yet, but I know if I get just a tiny budge to go, I'll end up there to see Coldplay. Not much going on right now, just trying to recuperate...

Thats the one, Oy
How did he not find the baggy, with his hand in my shoe?
Way too close for me, ah well at least they allowed me through.
Should be a good night in here, Ramo in the main room,
People keep pushing me though, no reception on the phone.
And i'm thinkin'...
(Light are blinding my eyes)
They said they'd be here they said, they said in the corner,
And im thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
These look well speckly, bit of green and blue,
Freeze is well cheap though, so i'll take three if i need to.
Right im on the plan, i wish the bouncers would go away,
Borrow water off this man, here goes nothing OK,
And i'm thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
Thats proper rank, that tastes like hairspray
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
I hate coming to the entrance, just to get bars on my phone,
You have no new messages, so why haven't they phoned?
Menu, write message, so where are you and Simone?
Send message, dans number, where've they gone?
And im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
Why's the message pending? where the fuck are ya?
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Hmm, brandy or beer? Waters a good idea,
Wish that bar lady'd appear; and come serve over here.
Where the fuck could they be? still not over in the corner,
This nights a tragedy, i keep thinking i saw her.
And i'm thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
No thats not them, thats not them either...
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
I'm still not feeling anything, this has got to be a dud.
It's been ages since i necked it, and smoked six tabs to the nub.
Belly's not even tingling, i just feel a bit pissed..
No-one looks like minglin', i cant see her or him..
And im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
I'm gonna do another i think. Yeah, one more, these are shit.
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
These toilets are a piss take, queue's bigger than the door.
Gotta get rid of this pill taste, what are they chattin so much for?
Glad i'm not a girl in this place, they'll be here til dawn.
Sure my belly's tingling a bit, somethings happening im sure.
And im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
Maybe i shouldnt have done the second one, i feel all fidgety and warm...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Whoa, everything in the room is spinning, i think i'm going to fall down,
My heart's beating to quick, i'm fucking tripping out.
I wonder whether they got in, turned away no doubt.
Who cares, this is a tune coming in, that who where hes like..
Im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
My eyes are rolling back, i'm rubbing my thighs with my hand.
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Yeah yeah they cheer - can they see my hand in the air?
Need to wave 'em over here. Swear Simone's kissing Dan.
My head is twisted sever, body's rushing everywhere,
They could have texted me when they were near, but i'm fucked and i don't care.
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
What was i thinkin' about? Ah who cares, i'm maaaashed.
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Totally fucked, cant hardly fuckin' stand.
This is fuckin amazing; argh.

-- by The Streets

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Desire (Ryan Adams), Dream Machine (Mark Farina), Saturday (Josh Rouse), Blinded By The Lights (The Streets), Alma Matters (Morrissey), and Jolene (Ray Lamontagne).

Thursday, April 07, 2005



Sobering up at Sharkeez.

On our way for some football!!

I think we need some medical attention.

That is one happy seaman. I think Julie is grabbing her boob there too.

I think that was a touchdown, bitches!!

Let's play a game of grabass...

Drunkeness and football do mix.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


My period of sobriety officially ended at 8:05PM PST, Saturday night, and what a great time to get break it too. Paul and the rest of the 702 Crew held a 32 team single elimination Beer Pong tournament. I've never seen so many drunk boys and girl since college. I was teamed up with Lisa, suffice to say we didn't do too well, but boy did we drink our share beer. I haven't had so much immature fun in a long time. Brian and I snuck in to his bedroom while his girlfriend was passed out, and we drew penises all over her face, simply classic. Paul, Brian, and Noah did their best to keep me inebriated, and before 2:00PM, I just passed out the couch.

I've always prided myself in being able to drink a lot at night and wake up early the next day and do sports with a hangover. But these guys were in a class all by themselves. Brian, Noah, and Brian's girl woke up at 8AM and they were already playing basketball outside the house. While I woke up, still stumbling around with a serious hangover. By the 9AM Brian, Noah, and the rest of the Gaucho Up Gang were already drinking at Sharkeez. I felt like a fucking amateur. I couldn't believe I had to sober up in the morning. By 11AM I actually felt sturdy and sober enough to stumble to Sharkeez. By the time we got there we all getting sloshed again. Noah was telling me his American Idol stories, Brian already brought out his penis cards, and Cammie was spitting nachos all over Brian. I felt like I was back in college, I had to giggle for a bit.

After we all drank, we still had some co-ed stripper flag football to play. I have one advice for kids out there, flag football and drunkness don't mix. Co-ed stripper flag football pretty quickly became an inebriated orgy of flesh, leather, the occassional ass slap, and of course nudity. I can say that in span of one hour, I had my nipples licked, my ass slapped a couple hundred times, my shorts pulled down a few times, my ass buried in bountiful breasts, and ended up in a 12 person pile of drunken, sun-burned human flesh. I wish I had brought my digital camera, but fortunately I didn't, I don't want to incriminate myself. God isn't there anything better than football, hot girls in bikinis, and beer?

I stole this from Laura:

"I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, i'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."