Friday, June 27, 2003

The past few months have been a furious emotional exploration of the mind, body, and spirit. It almost feels surreal to engage a relationship with someone that has become both intense and rewarding. I feel a little detached from the self I was before I met Alex. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I think we’re both testing each other, seeing how far the other one can bend without breaking, and I think I finally broke yesterday. Was it a breakthrough? or was it a breakdown? We’ll have to wait and see.

I have not been feeling well all day. I am like a zombie walking around. Is it from the lack of sleep? Is it from deceit? Is it from running three miles every other day? Is it from hunger? Is it from desire? Is it from tension? Is it from new hair cut? When I feel shitty I like to isolate myself, I feel like a virus, and I don’t want to contaminate everyone else around me. Some say its bad, others think its good; but I prefer to deal with my issues internally. I think most guys are like that.

When things fall apart, I’ve always been good at putting perspective to adverse situations, hoping things that somehow will work itself out. That’s the essence of life. I’ve been through hell. I have lived in hell. I’ve always prided myself in being able to face Death and the Devil without flinching; losing my Maker and Savior, and being left out in the desert with the vultures. And for some reason that’s not good enough right now…

So what do you do when you're feeling shitty... I watched a little bit of wrestling. I went to sleep. I drank some stale wine. I wrote like a muthfucka. I sat outside my balcony and just stared out into the great divide. I also did some long division. There is nothing more distracting than working on your long division. It's a skill that we take for granted once we leave our academic careers, but I've always had a way in losing myself in numbers, even though I hate mathematics, and I almost passed out in calculus in college.

On Wednesday night Alex, Clare, Mike, and I went to the King King to see Critter Jones play. Critter Jones was led by former high school classmate, and theater nemesis Corey Miller. We hadn't seen each other in 8 years, and when we met outside the club we instantly recognized each other and caught up with old times. It was a pleasant reunion. We were in Westside Story together, he was with the Jets and I was with the Sharks. And we were all part of this vibrant theater group. I had a big crush on his sister in high school, then she got pregnant, which quickly stifled my desire. During his performace, he dedicate a song to me, which was surprisingly awesome. He kept yelling my name and we pointed at each other, it was nice to know that we had some connection even when it was in high school...

I wish I had kissed Christina, Meredith, and Jennifer.
I wish I hadn't kissed Julie, Melanie, and Jessica.

I wish I had read more of the classics.
I wish I had learned to play a musical instrument.

I wish I had travelled to more third world countries.
I wish I drank more alcohol in high school and college.

I wish I had kept my writing notebook.
I wish I had kept my high school journal.

I wish I hadn't ended my friendships with Joel, Julie, Matt, the Davids, Keith, Jason, Heidi, Angie, Johnny, Carmel, and Omar.
I wish I would've started to workout seriously earlier in my life.

I wish I would have invested more of my money.
I wish I could spend time with my father more.

I wish I had been nicer to Julie, Christy, Jesse, Megan, Lucy, Michelle, Jason, and David.
I wish I had read more philosophy in high school.

I wish I had stayed in my high school band.
I wish I hadn't taken a corporate job so early in life.

I wish I would've joined Geoff when he drove across country.
I wish I had spent more time with my sister.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Because the Night (10,000 Maniacs), Heaven (DJ Sammy), Everest (Ani Di Franco), If You Needed Somebody (Bad Company), I Saw Red (Warrant), Song for the Dumped (Ben Folds Five), and When I Was Young (The Animals).

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

5. Give stupid answers for stupid questions will always shut them up.
4. Sometimes silence is the best answer.
3. If you're getting whipped in The Dungeon make sure you have clean underwear.
2. Be wary of guys who wear corduroys with their polo shirts.
1. When in doubt just smile and nod...

I am so bored at work today. I am feeling quiet jealous that Alex is sleeping on my bed all day, like a puschel little teddy bear. And I am here grinding away at work, creating sculptures of paper clips and houses of business cards. I am doing yoga, push ups, sit ups, and voting for my favorite major league all-stars (go to I decided to listen to some techno and trip out on my screen saver (I swear I'm not hallucinating!). I am tired, sleepless, and listless... and yet full of joy. How about that...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: The Horizon Has Been Defeated (Jack Johnson), The Anthem (Good Charlotte), Headstrong (Trapt), Big Pimpin' (Jay-Z), Trouble Loves Me (Morrissey), and Side (Travis).

Monday, June 23, 2003

Alex had been bothering me for weeks now to take her to Compton and South Central L.A. and drive by its streets hoping to relive the gangster fantasy shown in movies, rap videos, and news casts. I was definitely frightful of driving around Smuuch (my car) with a white girl on the passenger side of the car. But she really wanted to go despite my protests and delays of taking her there. I have been given a lot of warning by all my friends not to go there, and I haven't really been there for quite some time.

The Compton and South Central L.A. of our gangster videos is both a reality and a fantasy. I found myself driving by brand new plazas sporting a new Home Depot, K-Mart, and other new buildings which were built after the riots of L.A. There was hope, success, and inspiration that walked the streets. But on these same streets there was also violence, despair, and hopelessness. We passed by abandoned buildings and houses, bullet-riddled cars, and drug-dealers. These are the bad images that the world sees in that community, and sometimes its an image that the community finds hard to shake from.

Alex enjoyed her stroll to gangster video land, as I fretted all the while as two gangsters drove by scoping us out. I didn't feel comfortable at all. I don't know if it was all the stories people have told me, or it was because of my own prejudices about the situation. Bottom line is I survived...

ruckus - rock us
sometimes she touches me the right way
and it shivers all the way down my spinal chord
like an opera singer hitting the right tone...
I freeze like a stone
down to my bone
not wanting to be alone//
her gentle shakes
wanes / and battles the night
slumber vs. insomnia
left and right
right and left
back and forth
forth and back
i am stoic with my stance...
and she is hitting the right notes >>

5. the new Powermac G5
4. Norah Jones Concert Tickets
3. An electric guitar
2. an audio mixer
1. a mountain bike

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Sing It Back (Moloko), Professional Widow (Tori Amos), Roads (Portishead), Thorn In My Pride (The Black Crowes), Born To Be My Baby (Bon Jovi) and Denmark (Chemical Brothers).

Friday, June 20, 2003

Last night was boy's night out. I planned to meet up with Jacob and Pat at Daddy's around 10pm, but for some reason they were 45 minutes late. So I was sitting by my lonesome self at Daddy's, and it gave me a chance to reconnect with my favorite bar in the world. I sat in the bar, and saw a string of drunk faces (the regulars), all downtrodden, all tired, and eyes that could tell a million sad stories. And here I was at the end sitting with my content little self. As I was drinking my rounds of Guinness, a couple of girls from USC (easily identifieable by their sweaters) sat next to me, and they began a conversation about social psychology. I decided to join the conversation. I never really realized how boring it is sometimes to talk to some of these girls. Some girls seem to always want to talk with purpose, its difficult for them to just sit back and enjoy the moment. I couldn't take it anymore after a few minutes, so I left.

Jacob and Pat finally arrived and we made our sweeps of Beauty Bar, Daddy's, and Frolic Room. It was weird hanging out with single guys, because they were totally scoping out the girls; and I didn't even feel the need or inclination to do so. That's when Jacob brought up that I must've really liked Alex a lot because I am not my usual bachelor self. As the night winded down at the Frolic Room, we met these Jesus Phreaks carrying a cross up and down Hollywood Blvd. Jacob and Pat love confronting people like this, so we decided to come up to down and find out what the story is, and perhaps invite them to drink. After talking to them, we realized they were just good sincere kids who ran into some trouble and found God for some reason, so we stopped messing around them... Hey we do have soul you know...

The night dwindled down pretty quickly for us, Pat had been up for 18 hours that day. They decided to relive our Tijuana '96 trip, which is something that we will never forget. I still remember Pat's face when we told him that the girl giving him a hummer on the alley was really a man. These are the guys I know I will grow old with. These are the guys I know that I will be hanging out with when we have our families. These guys have been with me through thick and thin, and they're still with me. We have each other's back...

5. Miller Lite
4. Apple Martini
3. Gin N Tonic
2. Budweiser
1. Guinness (my one and true love)

Currently Listening to: Clocks (Coldplay), When the World Ends (Dave Matthews Band), And She Was (Talking Heads), Rush (Depeche Mode), The Turnpike Down (The Lemonheads), and Pure (Lightning Seeds).

Thursday, June 19, 2003

DO YOU FEEL LOVED? (Alex's e-mail)
So I go to work today, and I check my e-mail. And I see Alex's daily e-mail to me, but this wasn't the regular drunken/sleepy e-mail that I usually get from her. This was something else.

A couple of months ago when Alex and I drove back down from SF, we talked about LOVE. I told her about how I fell in LOVE once before, and how it felt; and she told me that she had never fallen in LOVE, and can't imagine how LOVE would feel like. She even professed that she didn't believe in LOVE. I felt sorry for her that she wasn't able to feel such powerful emotions and passionate intimacy.

So I stared at my monitor and I am reading her emotions unfold like a sunflower waking up with the morning sunrise. It's almost as if she's falling in LOVE for the first time, and I am experiencing it with her. I don't know if its LOVE that we have (its probably too soon to make such declarations), but I know I am feeling something extraordinarily powerful with her. She is something I can see myself grow with... I feel very LOVED when I'm with her, and I feel LOVE all around me when I am with her. Am I crazy? Perhaps. I just didn't think I would ever feel this way.

I know I was fortunate to fall in LOVE once before, and its amazing to get emotions this powerfully again; but this time its very different. In her e-mail she asks me, "Where are we going?" And my response is "Everywhere, anywhere, nowhere, as long as its with you..."

OK this is way too sappy, I need some more testosterone.... I have to be a "GUY".

My female friends are not having a good stretch the last few months. Contrary to their single statuses they have been frustrated and disappointed with the opposite sex. To all my girls, you guys are great! Keep your head up, keep your heart pure, and your intentions good, and it will pay off in the end...

5. A pile of shit
4. A can of Budweiser beer
3. A small cardboard box
2. A heart-shaped leaf
1. A walkman

Played RISK (The Game of World Domination) with Edward and my brother last night, I lost like a muthaphucka. They ganged up on me like maggots to rotten meat. I think they were pissed off because I kicked their ass last time, and this time around they wanted to get me ASAP. Bastards!!! I will rise again...

Current Listenting to }>> Offshore (Chicane), Rudderless (The Lemonheads), Love Is Here (Starsailor), Brick (Ben Folds Five), Forever Yellow Skies (The Cranberries), My Number (Tegan and Sara), Farther Down (Matthew Sweet), and Sail to the Moon (Radiohead).

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

5. FLIGHT - there is something about flying that makes me feel free from the clutches of gravity.
4. INVISIBILITY - it would be great to sneak into women's restrooms and listen to their conversations.
3. QUICK HEAL - I would be an extreme athelete, jumping off buildings, diving off cliffs, etc.
2. X-RAY VISION - I am still a guy, that would be so cool!!!
1. FISH COMMUNICATION - Like Aquaman, I would love to be able to talk to sea animals, and get all the juicy gossip.

Yesterday, I opened the door to my car, and hit my forehead. It was just a clumsy bad day for me, I messed up my knee while running, and I got elbowed accidentally by someone at the gym, I felt like the fourth stooge. But I survived without having to amputate any body part. Sometimes we just have one those days.

slowly, fading//
at the edge of the falling sunset
waiting for the embrace
of the moon's afterglow
holding on to her solace
seeing cows fly over the moon//

lights under closed eyes
hot warm corduroy
gently against her face --

Currently Listening: High (Lighthouse Family), Space Oddity (Major Tom), Tom's Diner (Suzanne Vega), Heaven Scent (Bedrock), Erase/Rewind (The Cardigans), and Sweet Jane (Cowboy Junkies).

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

"According to Kabbalah, we come into this world with a predetermined number of negative words we're allowed to utter. When this allotment is used up, death overcomes us. "

"Shoot, if that is true then ryan is the dopest person around and i love him"- alfie

"Awwww shucks, Alfie!" - ryan
I am tired. I need sleep. But its OK. I've been walking around like a zombie for the past two days, but sometimes that's all you can really do. After watching Dumb and Dumberer on Sunday, I lost my wallet... There goes $7, my Drivers License, and credit card. Oh well. And if that's not bad enough, I was getting up to go to work this morning, I locked myself out without and left my keys inside the apartment. Luckily my brother came back and let me in... I think I was lobotimized this weekend...

So on Saturday night Clare invited Alex and I to meet Tim (her ex-husband) at a bar called Parlour Room. Unbeknownst to me, it was a gay bar. I knew something was fishy when I first entered the room, when hands suddenly brushed behind my ass, now I know how some of my female friends feel like when they go clubbing. It was cute at first but it got annoying really quick. Alex was really fascinated with seeing two gay guys make out on a sofa, she was so amazed that she kept staring at the guys. It was kinda funny, but I made her stop, it was rude. So when we finally connected with Tim and Clare, we did our thing on the dance floor (and more hands brushed up against my butt). And for a second there I enjoyed being an object of prey.

Alex and I continue to grow in our understanding and acceptance of one another. There is still a lingering doubt that persist within our pits, but we are able to communicate it to each other, which is a good sign. We've definitely reach a higher level over the past two days. It's slowly starting to go beyond that innocent desirous exhange, and its beginning to enter a sort of inspired passion that can rarely be met with people nowadays. Is it the emotion? Is it the chemistry? Whatever it is, our hands are on the bottle and we're stirring it up...

5. Women who live with more than two cats.
4. Mormon crickets that are invading the west coast. Lock your doors!!
3. Midgets with hunchbacks.
2. Why is the weather so phucked up? gloomy one day, sunny the next, pick one dammit!!
1. The sun is too damn close.

Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division), I Have A Dream (DJ Quicksilver), Seven Years (Norah Jones), Drops of Jupiter (Train), Everything In Its Right Place (Radiohead), Untitled (Interpol), and Love Song (Tesla).

Friday, June 13, 2003

I don't have much sleep. I lied in bed all night with Alex in my arms, and that was good enough for the moment. Waiting to exhale...

Alex gave me a wonderful present last night, commemorating our relationship. It was both symbolic, special, and wonderful. No one had ever gone through that trouble to make me feel so special, I appreciated the gesture very well. It's not about the product, it's all about the process that matters (at least for me). Girls learn from this...

How come everyone thinks I am sleeping with Alex?...

I had dinner with Jacob last night. It was really cool to meet up with him. Even though we haven't seen each other in a year, we just immediately re-connect and finish off where we left off. Its funny how he totally lives this rich white boy lifestyle (wearing all white and playing croquet on Sundays, etc.), and yet we get along in so many levels. We both just really appreciate life, and we both have a very cynical look at life. It's almost one big joke to us, and yet we take it so seriously.

5. Having dinner with Clare, Tim (ex-husband), Bibi, Jake, Alex, and I at some Brazilian restaurant.
4. Being able to wake up on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday mornings with alex sleeping on my chest.
3. Playing football with the boys on Sunday...
2. Getting plastered with Jake tonight and Saturday night.
1. Rolling down a grassy hill...

Currently listening to: Overlap (Chicane), April In Paris (Count Basie), Svefn Englar (Sigur Ros), Love is Here (Starsailor), True (Spandau Ballet), Boys Don't Cry (The Cure), and King of the Road (Roger Miller).

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Top 5 Backhanded Comments
5. "Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"
4. "You're smart to do your laundry on Saturday night, when everyone else is out."
3. "I never knew sex could be so wonderfully quick and fulfilling."
2. "Relax, sweetie -- your sexual performance was perfectly adequate."
1. "That bulge between your pants is surprisingly small."

So my best friend Jacob is in town, I haven't seen him a year. We've known each other since we were freshmen in college, where we used to hang out in the halls and make fun of all the loser liberals that would stalk our dorms. It's amazing how we've remained friends all these years. We get along in so many levels, whether it is our laid-back demeanor, to our wild streak. Even though he is a convervative east coast guy, we really get along very well. I treasure his friendship. He was the guy I used to walk around the streets of Tijuana and Los Angeles. He is the guy I play football with... Well he is in town and I can't wait to kick some ass with him...

What's up with girls calling me on the phone? I don't need to know that you're on your period. I don't need to hear that your boyfriend (or the guy you like) hasn't called you in 23 hours, 24 minutes, and 17 seconds, but again who's counting. Guys don't like talking with girls on the phone (hint, hint). Just kidding, girls you can call me anytime you want, just bring the whine, and I'll bring the cheese.

Currently listening to: Wide to Receive (Morrissey), No Rain (Blind Melon), There There (Radiohead), Please Forgive Me (David Gray), Untitled (Interpol), Pure (Lightning Seeds), and Insomnia (Faithless).

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

A relationship is something that can be very difficult to rationalize when you're a rational and independent person. We grow up as a solitary figure, trapped within the selfish bubbles of our mental and physcial selves, then one day we are asked if we can allow ourselves to share our our mental and physical state with another soul. It can be a traumatic and wonderful experience. Relationships tend to begin with innocent and pure didactic intentions. The true test lies when the curiosity and energy slowly fades to reveal the banality of reality. I am facing myself in the mirror each morning, wondering if that has begun yet, and if it hasn't when is it going to start. Alex and I are at each other's wits, we have reached a point of no return.

The next level is an intense battlefield full of sexual and mental rewards and frustrations. Questions will rise: "Can we see other people?" "Do you love me?" "Where are we going with this relationship?". Lines will be drawn on the sand: "Can't we just stay in tonight?" "Do you have to go out with your friends?" "What do you mean you need more space?". I don't know if we are ready to enter this battlefield. She is so enamored with my innocence and prudence; I am merely preserving my selfish demand for emotional independence.

I know I can fall in love with her. I know she can fall in love with me. But our connection is flammable, we are like moths circling a flame. We are so enamored by the fire, that we slowly get closer and closer, even though we know that we will get burned if we get to close. But sometimes the fire is just too beautiful to ignore, that its worth getting burned for.

Currently listening to: Moses (Coldplay), Love Like Laughter (Beth Orton), Stick To Your Guns (Bon Jovi), Estranged (Guns N Roses), I Can (Nas), and Only In California (Ice Cube).

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

"Look how they shine for you." > Saw Coldplay last night. Felt inspired. Felt passionate. Felt energized. It is rare to discover a band that can embody your emotional lucidity, but Coldplay does that for me. I knew it was a special night, when Chris Martin (lead singer) straddled the piano and opened up with Politik, with a kind of visceral energy that you can rarely find in a live performance nowadays. He straddled his chair like Tori Amos, and he just lost himself in the music, with his head spinning and dancing like a bobblehead doll. His versatility in engaging the crowd whether he behind the piano, on he guitar, or by himself was a pleasure to see. The crowd was quick to grab his energy, and they hold on for the ride.

The performance comprised of two sets. The first set featured songs in their new album, three unreleased tracks, and a couple more from their first album. Then after taking a quick break, they jumped into Yellow. Yellow became the apex of the night. Everyone stood up on their chairs raised their hand, and waved them like some religious epiphany. Chris immediately took the energy and ran with it. The band was simply amazing in providing an unforgettable musical environment. There were a couple of pleasant surprises from Chris singing It's A Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong) to playfully adding Cry Me A River (Justin Timberlake) to his song Trouble. After Yellow, he played In My Place and Clocks, which just rocked the house, there was no one sitting down in this posh audience.

Coldplay played a big role in creating the soundtrack for my life the past 3 years. It was definitely a life affirming experience to reach full circle when I saw them live. Making a connection with a band's music is like falling in love, it rarely happens and when you do it is simply magical. Whenever I listen to Parachutes, it's like falling in love all over again. It is a love that will never reject me. It is a love that will never go away. It lives in my heart, and forces me to reflect on the things I have done in my life. Coldplay is that band.

Currently listening to: The One I Love (Coldplay), Livin' It Up (Ja Rule), I Can (Nas), Facts of Life (Black Box Recorder), and I Know It's Coming Someday (Longwave).