TODAY I HATE MY BLOG

TODAY I HATE MY BLOG
My blog sometimes takes a life on its own. There are times in which I am best friends with my blog, and there are other times in which we just hate each other. My blog presents a side of who I am and what I stand for, but its only a facet that I allow strangers to read. Sometimes people reach conclusions about who I am from my blog without really taking the time to get to know me. They think they have me all pegged out after reading my blog. It's kinda sad. This blog was initially created to document my personal insights and growth, and it has evolved into this living breathing monster that wanders all over the internet.

Today I hate my blog. He is annoying me. He is mad at me because I am not spending enough time with him. He thinks I'm distracted, he is feeling envious. My blog is suspicious of the time I am spending with certain persons that have entered my life. He does not think we are communicating as well as we used. He claims that I am writing facetitious entries, and that I am beating around the bush, and I am not sharing how I feel with him. So I yelled at him. I slammed the door behind me. I told him to mind his own business. This is my life. And my personal life will no longer be shared with him and this digital world that he lives in. He tried calling me on my cellphone, but I wouldn't answer his phone calls. We are not speaking to each other. He sends me flowers and cards, but I don't need to take that kind of shit from my blog or anyone's blog. He knows I love him, but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction right now. So blog, I say blog, "Screw You!!, and you can go to hell!!".

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Back To Basics (4 Strings), Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect (The Decemberists), Missing - Royksopp Remix (Beck), The Understanding (Royksopp), Vessel In Vain (Smog), Last Boat To America (David Gray), Unity - I Love You (Ben Watt), and Clark Gable (Postal Service).

T-SHIRTS THAT MAKE ME GIGGLE

T-SHIRTS THAT MAKE ME GIGGLE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL












These T-Shirts are available at Busted Tees

EVERYBODY'S FREE TO WEAR SUNCREEN

EVERYBODY'S FREE TO WEAR SUNSCREEN
By Baz Luhrmann
If I could offer you only one tip for the future suncreen would be it. The long term benefits of suncreen have been proven by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now...


Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, never mind that you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth, until they've faded; but trust me in twenty years you'll look back at photos of yourself, and you'll recall in a way you can't grasp now. How much possibilty lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagined.

Don't worry about the future or worry, and know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind the kind that blind sides you at 4pm on some idle tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind, the race is long and in the end its only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this tell me. keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life, the most ineresting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium, be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.


Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have kids, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary, but whatever you do don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it everyway you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.


Get to know your parents you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past, and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few that stay youshould hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, where as the older you get the more you need the people you knew.

When you are young, live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicans will fillander. You too will get old and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, by the time your 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth but trust me - on the sunscreen

Everybody's free

FOCUS

FOCUS
I swear I was sober when I wrote this...

This is either borderline genius or insane. The stuff I'm writing right now is probably borderline insane. Can someone grab the straightjacket for me?

WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT?

WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT?
My head has been up in the clouds the past two weeks. Concepts of time have ceased to exist. My life is being turned upside down (or is it rightside up?), and here I am. I don't even know what to write in my blog today. I've erased my blog entry four times already, and I hope I don't erase this one. I have contemplated killing my blog because it is driving me insane right now. I can't seem to focus on anything concrete. I am in a perpetual haze, and I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I am dealing with complex issues at work right now, and I don't even know how I'm able to function. Today was really surreal. This kind of stuff just doesn't happen to me.

I WRITE

I WRITE
I write. Writing is something that defines me. I write therefore I am. It is embedded in my soul, my fingertips, and flows through my veins. The problem with writing lies in the fact that a writer has an ego. An ego that needs to be fed with love, adulation, and acceptance. My consciousness fuels my writings, it is reckless, brutally honest, and careless, it does whatever its foolish heart desires. I am in constant struggle to reconcile the tension between my consciousness and my ego. It is a battle that plays itself out on the pages of my notebook and blog. I write. I write because it is honest. It is one of the few permanent things that you can share with the world. Your words will resonate even when the pages of your stories and books disintegrate in time. These words will haunt you and will redeem you for the rest of your existence. I write to confront myself, to peek inside the darkest corners of my soul, and to find the solitude that tastes oh so divinely sweet. I write so I can cherish each waking second of my lifetime. So I won't take each pulsing heartbeat, each refreshing breath, and each inspiring sunrise for granted. I can relish each valuable passing moment as if it were the first and the last. I write so I can love. I mean really love. The kind of love that painters and musicians struggle to sometimes recreate. A kind of love that superceds time and place, or even consciousness. Every time my pen strikes the paper, love erupts like wildfire. I write.

PEOPLE SHOULD REALLY STOP DOING DRUGS

PEOPLE SHOULD REALLY STOP DOING DRUGS
It has been four years since my book In The Blink Of An I was published, and it has been at least two years since I have been actively performing and marketing my book. So I am always surprised to find copies of my book, and who has read them and what they thought about it. I was going through the Barnes And Noble site lately and found an interesting customer review about my book:

George Singh, a folk singer, June 24, 2005,
Have you ever been to a party and took too many psychedelics, then found out your girlfriend left [you] for your guru and you were getting kicked out of college due to your excessive partying, all the while experiencing 'a bad trip,' while everyone began dancing around you in circles? This is the book you have to read.

People should really stop doing drugs.

SPONTANEOUS MARRIAGE
I just learned that one of my friends spontaneously got married over the weekend. How the hell does that happen?? Apparently they came home Saturday afternoon after hanging out at the beach and the bars, and announced that they were going to Vegas and get married. I don't think anyone really took them seriously, so everyone just kinda nodded and left them alone. They came back the next morning with rings, pictures, and a marriage certificate. Yea, I'm sure this marriage thing is going to work out just fine for them. I have strange friends...

52 DAYS AND COUNTING...
The Man burns in 52 Days. I don't have tickets. I don't have an itinerary. I don't have any vacation time left. I don't even have something to gift. But I know I will be going back HOME. I think Burning Man will be more of a spiritual experience for me this time around. I want to honor my father in this festival.

ROAD LEAD WHERE IT'S LEAD

ROAD LEAD WHERE IT'S LEAD
Life has a way of placing unexpected turns and twists. There are times when you roll with the punches, and there times in which punches roll with you. It is what makes it interesting. So I've been a little distracted the past couple of weeks, but I think it is healthy. I am still determined and focused in my writing.

I've been playing with the idea of alternating streams of consciousness in my writing. I played around with it a little bit in my first book, but I think a lot people were confused by that experiment. I need a better format or structure to reflect a conversation using streams of consciousness. I was thinking of using columns as a way to reflect this dialogue. I'm intent on pushing the envelope of poetic forms and consciousness, but it's a slim line between art and madness, and I barely hung on to art in the last book, I don't know if I'll be able to do the same in this one.

The past two months have been really weird. I have experienced exponential growth through loss and pain. There are certain things that are fundamentally changing within me. And sometimes it has been a struggle to express myself, either to other people or through my writings. There have been times in which I've felt completely alone and abandoned, and there have been times in which my soul has felt intrinsically complete and full. But I know exactly where I am, and I know where I am going.

THE PERFECT GAME
It's kinda like when a pitcher is in the middle of a perfect game. You don't want to talk about it, you don't want other people to mention it, with the fear that you're going to jinx yourself. You just want to clear you head, numb your emotions, and stay focused. To be in that zone, where everything is going well, too well, that you can't even be conscious of what you're trying to achieve.

OK! There are way too many songs playing inside my head....

TIL KINGDOME COME
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

by Coldplay

OK WITH MY DECAY

OK WITH MY DECAY
My Fourth of July weekend was such an incredible emotional rollercoaster ride, that I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, and make sense of everything. I experienced regret, frustration, friendship, jubilation, and love. Unfortunately everything is not making sense right now. I haven't been feeling myself lately, but its OK. Some of my closest friends are drifting away from me, but its OK. I am finding myself emotionally vulnerable, but its OK. And somehow putting my heart on the line just makes complete sense. I'm trying to take things slow, really slow; and I'm being patient, mostly with myself. This can easily be a long summer, or a quick hangover.

Years of heartaches have taken away my capability to distinguish between love and passion. Failure of that understanding has made me skeptical of my feelings and emotions. I am slowly learning how to have love and passion in my life, and it's not easy.

EVIDENCE FROM THE THE FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND
Thanks for the pictures Clare!!

FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE

FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

-Bright Eyes

A RIVER AIN'T TOO MUCH IN LOVE

A RIVER AIN'T TOO MUCH TO LOVE

There's a lot to be excited about. One of them is Smog's new album, A River Ain't Too Much In Love. Bill Callahan's latest songs create an intimate portrait of American transcendantalism. It is haunting and powerful. If you are new to Smog this is a great album to jump in, all his works are consistently magnificent, but this album does a remarkable job in capturing Bill's amazing voice. Think Leonard Cohen joining The Velvet Underground. From the opening lines of the first track, Palimpsest, to the closing phrases of Let Me See The Colts.

PALIMPSEST
Winter weather is not my soul
but the biding for spring...

Why's everybody looking at me
Like there's something fundamentally wrong
Like I'm a southern bird
That stayed north too long

Winter exposes the nests
and I'm gone.

by Smog

ONE MORE NIGHT

ONE MORE NIGHT
Just one more night. I could see disillusionment in the horizon, but I just need one more night. One more night to blend in with the wolves. One more night to swim with the guppies. One more night to satisfy that hunger. I know this won't solve anything, and it never does, but there is something within me that needs to be dug out. I don't know what it is, but I just need one more night to figure it out. So please give me this night, you've blessed me with countless nights that could fill a lifetime, and at the end of it all, I still want one more night. I'm hanging by the thread. My eyes are too wary of the sunshine, only the night can save me now.