Friday, August 29, 2003

I am convinced that my life is a wonderful thing to live. Late in the afternoon yesterday, I get an e-mail from Clare, looking for volunteers to be naked on the Tom Green Show. She was helping out her friend Ellen who works at the show. Since, I am unable to turn down any interesting invitation in my life, I called her up and signed on for the show. I arrived at the studios in Burbank, and there were hordes of people already waiting to go in. Once I got hooked up with Ellen she led me inside to the waiting rooms. There I met the other naked people. Porn Star - Porn Star - Porn Star- Porn Star - Porn Star - Porn Director - Porn Star - Porn Star - Porn Star - girl from DC - guy from Philly - Porn Star -Porn Star - and me.

While we were preparing for our 15 seconds of fame, we all socialized and got to know each other. I learned that the porn community is a close knit family. They all know each other, and they are all very free with their bodies. So they were all just practically naked and grabbing everything and anything that they could get their hands. I wasn't as free.

The show began and we were all lined up on the stage. I could hear the energy and the screams of the audience. I wasn't shy or afraid at all, I was anticipating it. When the curtains opened, we were all standing in front of the studio audience. About 100 screaming kids. It was great! I wouldn't call myself a nudist or anything, as a matter of fact I am pretty conservative in exposing my body. But this was different, all of us on stage bonded together, and I felt the unity of all these naked people around me.

During the break, the producers herded as backstage, and I had to listen to the porn stars talk about DP (double penetration) and other wonderful pleasant pornographic terms. These girls were really friendly to me, and accepted me, even though I wasn't part of the porn industry. One guy, Captain Bill (think of this guy as Burt Reynolds' character in Boogie Nights), asked me if I was interested in filming some stuff for the industry. I politely declined, but I was definitely flattered that he thought of me that way. He was a like a father-figure for these young women, if its the kind of father-figure that grabs your ass, your tits, and your crotch.

While we were waiting for our turn to get back on stage, Stacy Keibler (WWF Fame) was the first guest. I completely forgot that I was naked, so I approached her and told her that I was a big fan. I saw her eyes dart in and out during our conversation before I realized that dude I am naked in front of Stacy Keibler, with her 41" legs. She was really sweet and friendly. Almost everyone would've been uncomfortable in that situation, but she was really cool, and I appreciated that.

On every segment we were introduced as the naked people for Tom's "Monster Spectacular Friday", and were presented to the audience with loud applause and cheer. This was a wonderful experience that I will remember for the rest of my life. And I had a lot of fun.

The director gave us explicit directions not to smile or react to any of Tom's or the audiences' taunts and cheers. But on the third segment, the porn stars concocted a plan to upstage Tom Green. So when they opened the curtains, we turned to our left, bent over, and spreaded our cheeks. While I was down there bent over, I couldn't stop laughing knowing that my asshole is exposed for the world to view. The director wasn't too pleased, that would add more hours to the editor's blurring duties. heh heh.

At the end of the show, I hung out with the guys from Jurassic 5, Test, and Stacy Keibler. It was a very friendly atmosphere backstage. How can you not bond with naked porn stars, hip/hop artists, and WWE wrestlers? It got a little too crazy when it was slowly evolving into an outtake of Boogie Nights (think fat, bald, hairy old men making out with young girls). So I made my exit (I know when to leave)...

Charlie 2Na from Jurassic 5

Some people can't seem to fathom all the things that I get into in my life. And I agree that sometimes my life gets too weird and bizarre that its almost impossible to explain. I know that frustrated Alex a lot whenever that happened. But my life is just this unpredictable hurricane, that I am just swept up in. Even though it looks l am in complete control most of the time, in reality it is a frenzied mania. I try to appreciate and value life. I am willing to try new things. I have no expectations. I play well with others. I get along with anyone and everyone. I am responsible for my actions. Sometimes I get in situations that may be hard to explain (see Gauntlet II), and sometimes I meet people that's not too friendly (Tanya), but it's all good. I am not afraid of rejection. I am not afraid of the unknown. I am perfectly willing to try new things. Sometimes it leads me to trouble, but I take complete responsibility for it. And there are times that, I experience something wonderful, because I was willing to say YES. I have friends that ask me how I get into these situations. My response to them is that I say YES. Saying YES to stuff will get you somewhere, you just have to trust yourself, be yourself, and be not afraid of the situation. Know yourself!! OK enough of the inspirational talk, come see me on the Tom Green Show which will air on 8/29/03 on MTV (check your local listings).

Stacy Keibler and Test

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Set your VCR's folks, I will be performing NAKED in The Tom Green Show tonight (which will air on Saturday [check your local listing]). It's going to be a hoot and a holler! I am not responsible if I blind someone. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen, but I've been told that I would have be dancing and jumping up and down with 20 girls and guys behind a curtain, then they will reveal us all in our glory. I'm trying to get ready for it. I'm doing situps, and shaving my hairy ass legs. They're paying me too, so that's even better. So I hope you all get a good laugh at me, see you at the movies.

"If you wear a tie, make sure it isn't sticking out of the back of your collar. Because then you'll look retarded. Plus it really bugs me and I'll pee in your coffee. " Quote from anonymous friend.

"I like my coffee like I like my women. Weak and unable to defend itself." Quote from same anonymous friend.

A question was posed to me:
Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of being in love and therefore have pretty much let anyone be the "object of your affections?

Just wondering...
That's it! Starting today I am officially training for the 2004 Los Angeles Marathon. Three years ago, Christina trained herself to run the marathon, and she's a lazy ass; She's been putting that on me since then. I want to run and do this myself. Not a lot of people can say that they have done this, and I want to join that club. 26.2 Miles. It's freaking daunting, but I am very ambitious person. And I am not lazy. Mind over matter...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: The Remedy (Jason Mraz), Who Are You? (The Who), Love Will Set You Free (Ministry of Sound), Life of Riley (Lightning Seeds), and With Plenty of Money and You (Count Basie).

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I want to go see Ferry Corsten at the House of Blues at Sunset on Friday night. I need to be with my peeps. I need to feel the energy of the crowd to inspire me. I wouldn't call myself a raver, but I definitely love the people around me during a rave. I write for them, and they give me the fuel to let myself ago. Unfortunately most of my friends aren't really into "the scene", and all the friends that I used to rave with all have fallen way too deep in the rabbit hole. I need some party favors. So if anyone is interested in joining me to see Ferry, give me a holler.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

21. If I fell off tomorrow would you still love me?
20. If I didn't smell so good would you still hug me?
19. If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century, could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?
18. Could you love me in a Bentley?
17. Could you love me on a bus?
16. If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like some of my friends?
15. If I was hit and I was hurt would you be by my side?
14. If it was time to put in work would you be down to ride?
13. Girl...It's easy to love me now. Would you love me if I was down and out?
12. If I ain't rap 'cause I flipped burgers at Burger King would you be ashamed to tell your friends you feelin' me?
11. In the bed if I used my tongue would you like that?
10. If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?
9. Now would you leave me if you're father found out I was thuggin'?
8. Do you believe me when I tell you, you the one I'm loving?
7. Are you mad 'cause I'm asking you 21 questions?
6. Are you my soulmate? 'Cause if so, girl you a blessing
5. Do you trust me enough, to tell me your dreams?
4. If I was down would you say things to make me smile?
3. If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see?
2. And when you asked me about it I said it wasn't me. Would you believe me? Or up and leave me?
1. How deep is our bond if that's all it takes for you to be gone?

These are darned good questions to ask...

"I love you like a fat kid love cake
You know my style I say anything to make you smile."

One of the best lines of the year!!

I've been getting my shit together to move to my new place in Pasadena. Packing is such a weird experience, because it forces you to pick and choose which relics from your past you want to keep or not. It's almost like canvassing your memories and trying to weigh things that you will decide to carry on to your future, and ones that you will leave behind in your past.

I am hitting the wall head first, and there is no soft cotton pillows to cushion the blow. But it's all good. I am growing. I am healing. I am stronger. I am more focused. I am determined. I am fire.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Nowhere Man (The Beatles), Cold Brains (Beck), Lovely Day (Bill Withers), Mexico (Cake), Life Is Sweet (Chemical Brothers), Halycon (Chicane), and London Calling (The Clash).

Monday, August 25, 2003

On Saturday I went to the Sunset Junction Street Faire where I saw Brian Jonestown Massacre and Circle Jerks. I arrived at the fair at around 5:00pm and proceeded to drink my way through the slew of bars around the area. I met a couple of old friends at the El Cid, and we hung out there and caught up with old times. Then I went to see Brian Jonestown Massacre play a wonderful set. After a few more beers, I ended up seeing the Circle Jerks. It was a pretty surreal experience. For those of you who don't know, the Circle Jerks is a legendary L.A. punk band, and they tore up the stage with blood-curdling screams and some good-old fashioned punk rock. I was surrounded by punks, young and old, and I proceeded to join them in their angst ridden mosh pits. I haven't been in a mosh pit for 5 years and it felt good to get some of my aggression out. Then I met Anne near the end of the show and we went around to a couple of bars to drink some more (notice a theme here). We ended up at the 4100 Bar, a nice quaint little bar full of interesting people.

As Anne left to hang out with her friends, I was left in a corner to stir up conversation with 3 lesbians from Brooklyn, New York. I had an interesting conversation with these girls. We discussed life, philosophy, and the pursuit of sexual anarchy. They gave me three tips on how to handle women in my life. [1] You have to earn a woman's heart. [2] Women aren't patient with their emotions. [3] Arguments with women have nothing to do with victories or defeats. They were really cool, and they promised to show me around New York next time I visit.

Later in the night, Anne invited me to see her friend's band, Anus, at the Gauntlet II. I had not idea what this place was, but being me, and unable to say no to an invitation I agreed to go with her. I knew something was strange when I walked in the bar and there were 160 leather clad men wearing almost nothing, and only 3 girls in there. I've been in gay bars before, and usually there is a good ratio of 50/50 between men and women. I knew I was in for quite a night, so I proceeded to keep drinking. Almost every guy there was biker grizzly bear, where they had hairy chests and beards, and all muscular. Every guys smelled like musk. They had a shoeshine man, that was practically naked, and you could see his ass hanging out as he wiped your shoes. As I was socializing with my "new" friends, they took me to a corner of a bar, where they had a wooden stick that had 5 dildos in varying sizes nailed on to it. And they had competition to see who can swallow (deep throat) the biggest dildo. That's when I saw the sirens inside my head, and decided to go outside and take breather and hopefully a cigarette as well. After bumming a cigarette from someone, I ended up talking to some of these other biker guys, and kinda laughed about the whole incident with the dildos. I heard the band start to play, so I tried to make my way back to the bar, but as I tried to get through the entrance, the bouncer stopped me and asked me to pay. I told him I paid earlier, and I was in already but I didn't have a stamp on my hand. So, he started getting on my grill, so I shoved him a little bit, next thing I know I was surrounded by three leather clad 6'7" biker dudes. I know when to pick up my battles, and I know when to run away. I also knew that if we got in a scuffle these 3 guys would kick my ass and rape me without breaking a sweat. So I spit on the ground in front of them and took my drunken ass home.

Unfortunately I had forgotten where I parked my car. So I was roaming around the ghetto and gangster parts of Virgil, and I had gang members stalking me all night yelling out "Where you from homeboy?". I would respectfully yell back "Canada!". They didn't get the humor, but at least they left me alone. I finally got home at the wee hours of the morning, but couldn't go to sleep, so I ended up watching these Girls Gone Wild infomercials on television. I had to retrieve my manhood by watching girls take off their tops in front of cameras.

This was a bizarre night. Maybe I should stop drinking (nah!). This is the kind of thing that I experience that makes my life worthy of writing about. This was a good weekend.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Moaner (Underworld), Driving Sideways (Aimee Mann), Silver and Gold (U2), Where Are You Know (Brandy), Precious Words (Swingout Sister), Cantaloop (Us3), and Hard Candy (Counting Crows).

Friday, August 22, 2003

I started seriously about 9 months ago. And it has been a wonderful addition to my life. I used to run a lot when I was a kid, it was a way to get rid of all the extra sugar and energy from my body. Now I run because it makes me feel emotionally and physically wonderful (I know that sounds weird to most people). The most difficult part about running is the first mile (first 8 minutes); it's just a struggle to get your body moving and to find the right pace at that particular time. But after that first mile, something inside me takes over, all the seratonin in my body is triggered. And I feel a lot of wonderful sensations, I feel like I'm in a rave dancing to my own beat and rhythm. It is really like a religious experience. This narcotic somehow taps into my body and I get to experience my body and mind melt into one, and I see myself confronting both the mind and the body. No one can take this away from me. This isolation. This confrontation. This battle. It's a wonderful thing to experience, and I wish more of my friends could feel this delight. And I think they can, they just have to discipline their bodies and work at it. But everyone is too lazy..., to try new things, to battle gravity, and to do all of that stuff.

I have a vision for my next book. Two characters from two generations, battling themselves to obtain a truth that may lead to their own death. They are in a race against time, the present, the future, and the past. The characters develop...

1. THE FATHER - learns that he is going to be a father. the teacher is hunted by the secret police. he has a secret he can't escape.
2. THE SON - learns that his real father was murdered 20 years ago. the writer wants to confront the past. he has an anger that gnaws at his soul.
3. THE WIFE/THE MOTHER - just wants to forget. the housewife who wants bury the past. she has a heart that has no memory.
4. THE PROSTITUTE - learns that she is pregnant for the third time. the girl lives on optimism. she has a spirit that crashes like waves.
5. THE SENATOR - haunted by a treason. the man has buried the past, but it keeps rising from the dead.
6. THE STREET KID - discovers a secret. the boy who wants to be a man, has to choose between a dream or a nightmare.
7. THE MUSLIM - learns that he is the chosen one. the one to wreck havoc on humanity is in love.

The plot thickens. future = past = present. loneliness, heartbreak, perseverance, hope, love, desperation. we see their streams of consciousness. if it echoes in water then we can hear it. this story is about how the past and future binds with the present. There is conflict when our memories choose not to remember or dream about anything. What are the things that bind these characters to one another? Why should we care about these characters? How can we not get lost in the story when it is written in streams of consciousness and poetic narrative? Who am I fighting? Where am I going with this? How does this all relate to meaning of life?

The story starts in the past. follows the narrative structure of Ulysses (James Joyce) / Odysseus [the odyssey] (Homer). Since that is the structure of the story this is how it kinda fits:

CHAPTER 1: EMBRYO (Telemachia) ==> The father learns that he is having a son. We experience his streams of consciousness by being exposed to the five sense of experience. [x] hearing - he hears the tone of voice of his wife when she tells him that she is pregnant. [x] sight - he notices the bulge on her stomach. [x] taste - he kisses her, and he notices that she tastes different. [x] touch - he touches her stomach and feels his warmth. [x] smell - he starts to smell her body change. milk, rapture, theology, clean, fresh, white.

CHAPTER 2: SCHOOL DAYS (Nestor) ==> The son is in high school. and he discovers poetry. he falls in love for the first time, and he is convinced that there is some truth in that emotion, and thus focuses his life on that philosophical attachment of love. he meditates. he is sensing something is missing in his life. he is aware of everyone else around him, but he doesn't feel like anyone is aware of him. he is experiences Thanksgiving with his new family, and feels very much isolated and different, but he can't pinpoint why... catechism. growth. history, memory, oedipal complex.

CHAPTER 3: REPENTANCE (Calypso) ==> The prostitute is being interviewed in a free clinic. She is waiting for her pregnancy test to come back. She sees a crucifix and focuses on that. She recalls all her horrible sexual experiences with men. Yet she daydreams about falling in love and having sex with the image of Jesus nailed to the cross. religion, nymph, remembrance, the body, orange, genitals

CHAPTER 4: REJECTION (Lotuseaters) ==> The street kid (6 years old) is abandoned by his father in the middle of a Manila. he is forced to be a street kid. selling gum, selling his body, selling everything he can steal to make it. he meets a group of street kids that have turned into a gang, and they harass shop owners in the shopping districts. streetkids, brotherhood, rejection, narcissim, heart,

CHAPTER 5: GRAVEYARD (Hades) ==> the senator stands on disrespectfully on top of a gravestone. He is remembering the past, and forgetting the future and the present. There is feat in his eyes. incubism, black, clusterphobia, sins, resurrection, anger.

CHAPTER 6: THE AIRPLANE (Eolus) ==> The son is on an airplane toward the Philippines. He meets a stewardess. He tries to piece things together. He tries to find reasons and sense when everything he is given doesn't make sense. There is frustration, confusion, and isolation. He feels like a stranger going to a strange land. mystery, travel, red, floating island, imagination, prospects.

CHAPTER 7: BREAKDOWN (Lestrygonians) ==> A pious young muslim has his name drawn to be the candidate to bomb a shopping market in the central district. He is given a prayer, and a bomb. He is given some money for a motel room. While he is doing his afternoon prayer, someone knocks on his door. It is the prostitute, she accidentally goes to the wrong room. teeth, vigor, ivory, green, architecture, literature.

CHAPTER 8: INFERNO (Scylia and Carybdis) ==> the father goes to the school where he teaches only to find his school burning. His students grab take him aside and tell him that the secret police is looking for him. There are gunshots and bombs exploding in the school compound. The students hide him and try to help him find his escape. He is discovered by a traitor, and he is captured after a long chase. dialectic, running, stealth, fear, speed, confusion. the street kid opens up the briefcase and discovers...

CHAPTER 9: WANDERING (The rocks) ==> The street kid is lost within the shuffle of feet, and a rival gang is chasing after him. He manages to escape into an old abandoned shanty house. he discovers an escape hatch which leads to the sanitation dump underneath the house, he dives in. he finds a briefcase...

CHAPTER 10: TEMPTATION (Sirens) ==> The son arrives in Manila and quickly gets lost amidst the tourist traps. he meets some girls in a bar, and invites them to his hotel room. they end up tying him up and stealing all his money, clothes, and identification. temptation, weakness, hopelessness, power, alcoholism.

CHAPTER 11: OUT OF FOCUS (Cyclops) ==> The father is tortured in a chamber by a one-eyed monster. the mother broke a lens on her glasses and she freaks out. the muslim is in bed with the prostitute and they are slowly falling in love. the senator is enjoying a birthday party for one of his daughters. the son, blindfolded, manages to get one eye out of the cover. vision, rainbow, the eye, the soul, falseness of reality

CHAPTER 12: RUDDERLESS (Nausikaa) ==> the muslim tells the prostitute that he has to continue on with his mission. the prostitute then tells the muslim that she can't stop having sex with men for money. they agree to that deal. the kid decides to return the briefcase to its rightful owner. hotel staff manages to help the son out from his bindings. but he has lost everything, including all his research and work in his laptop. labyrinth, focus, sharp, eye

CHAPTER 13: PENITENTIARY (Oxen of the sun) ==> the father is sentenced to death. he says goodbye to his pregnant wife. the son is angry and is tearing up the hotel room looking for his laptop. the muslim hears the prostitute having sex with another man as he walks through the motel. the street kid arrives at the senators front door steps and shows him the briefcase. black, destruction, pride, fist.

CHAPTER 14: BREAKTHROUGH (Circe) ==> the father is killed. the muslim prepares his bomb. the prostitute cleans up after sex. the street kid is given a small reward for turning in the briefcase. the senator smiles and celebrates his luck. the son discovers his fathers grave, and sees the senator cursing his father headstones. he marks his target. clouds. jealousy. blackness.

CHAPTER 15: NO SHELTER (Eumeus) ==> the son follows the senator to his house. he sneaks into the senators office, and discovers that the senator engineered the plot to murder his father. he notices that the senator's house is surrounded by his own militia. he manages to escape the house after being discovered. the son starts to piece things together. the muslim is walking in a crowded market, and is trying to find a place to detonate himself. the son collides with the muslim. the son notices the bomb. the son convinces the muslim to sell the bomb to him. the muslim goes back to the prostitute. red. shift.

CHAPTER 16: AFFIRMATION (Ithaca) ==> the son is in the leg by a bullet. he hobbles inside a shanty house. there he scribbles the name and address of the senator, and proceeds to fill the briefcase with all the money he has, he puts some newspapers in it to make it look like it is full of money. he is seen by the militia, he is shot to death, and falls into the sanitation dump. the muslim and the prostitute escape the city and move to the mountains. end. hope. persistence. yellow

CHAPTER 17: RESOLUTION (Penelope) ==> the bomb explodes in the senators house destroying everything. circle. completion. black

INSPIRATION ==> Magnolia, Ulysses (James Joyce), Bacolod City, Philippines, Amorres Perros, Victor Nebrida, Angry Anymore (Ani DiFranco), Charles Bukowski, Jack Kerouac, Odysseus (Homer), Socrates, Jose Rizal, Plato, Jurgen Habermas, Remembrances of Things Past (Marcel Proust), Moses (Coldplay), Spies (coldplay), Memento, Kind of blue (Miles Davis), Blue Train (John Coltrane), Ammunition (Morrissey), <=== THE MADNESS HAS BEGUN: EXIT NOW!!!

this is all slowly coming together. nothing is set in stone. but the vision is there. the inspiration is there. now its just a matter of alcholism, focus, and fist-shaking imagination. I have no title yet, got a suggestion? leave me a f*cking note dingleberry!!!!

Thursday, August 21, 2003

It seems like I have been too busy lately. Too many scissors running in my mind and body. I talked with Sara (Ms. Biathlon/Marathon Amazon woman) and she told me that she wouldn't be able to join my team for the Nike Relay Challenge this Sunday. I was really counting on her to be a big part of the run, but she's going to some big party on Saturday night and doubted that she would be able to recover for a 3.25 mile jaunt on Sunday morning. But it's all good. So I need one person, and everyone else around me is afraid to run for such a distance, it seems as if everyone is out of shape. Oh well what are you going to do right?!

My softball team on the other hand looks like is going to be a lot of fun. 8 girls and 8 guys. Some of these girls are pretty butchy lesbians, which should make it a lot of fun. We have a good mixture of guys with skills and girls who can pay the bills. I've met some really cool people, and I'm just going to take advantage of this situation to have some fun in my life, and let off a lot of steam.

I was telling Paula and Alex about this the other night that I have a strange feeling about these next few months in my life. I sense a big emotional and physical change in my life. Especially with all these transitions going on in such a short amount of time, moving to a new house, moving to a new city, meeting new and interesting people, going to wonderful exotic places, and experiencing beautiful things in my life.

This has been a landmark year for more, it has been over 5 years since I could say that I've had a good year, and this year is indeed a good year, and I'm not even done with it. There are so many things, places, and people I have yet to experience. I am excited. I can look at this year as a giant stepping stone in my development as a human being. I am proud at what I've accomplished and allowed myself to feel this year. These are things that no one can ever take away from me, and that is special. I am surrounded by a wonderful supporting cast of friends... and I am definitely healed from the things that I've gone through over the past 5 years. I am in such a better place, mentally and physically.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Music:Response (Chemical Brothers), Bandages (Hot Hot Heat), American Girls (Counting Crows), Gettin' It (Too Short), Pure Shores (All Saints), and Seasons In The Sun (Black Box Recorder).

Monday, August 18, 2003

For the past two months Alfie and I have been planning see Finding Nemo, but every time we seem to make any concrete plans to see the movie something happens and we are unable to. So Sunday night, I made plans with Alfie to see Finding Nemo at the AMC Burbank 16. I arrived at the movie theater at 7:30pm (the movie started at 7:50pm), because I am always punctual. 8:00pm rolls along and no sign of Alfie, and since I don't have a cell phone, I continued to be patient as I waited for her outside the movie theater. Around 8:10pm, a group of 15 year old kids came up to me and begged me to buy them tickets to see Freddy vs. Jason. So I agreed, and helped them get into the movie by pretending to be their brother (it was funny because they were all Armenian kids). So while I was up in the theater getting these kids in, Alfie apparently showed up outside and waited for me then left. By the time I got out, I completely missed her. All you could really do in this situation was just laugh about it. I've had a long month, and it was kinda good for me to laugh hysterically again. I talked with Alfie later that night and we laughed. We decided to wait until Finding Nemo hits the video stores, then we're going to rent it and do some 420, that would be awesome, but I don't know if I can wait that long.


Life Goes On. It's been almost a week since I broke things off with Alex. And as I have been reflecting on that decision, I made a realization that I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that completely reached its full potential. Even with Meghan, I didn't feel like it got even close to reaching its full potential. There was always some obstacle preventing us from doing that, whether they had to leave, I had to leave, they couldn't make a decision, or we weren't in a good situation to let it reach its potential. That is something I want to work on, and I have to be a little bit wary of that next time I get into a relationship. We haven't spoken or written to each other since I broke it off (I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing), but I know she has a lot of issues to deal with, and it might be a while before we can start talking again.

Free To Decide. I think that what prevents us from living life to its fullest is our incapability to make decisions. It frustrates me sometimes to be with people who can't make a decision. I am very impulsive, and it's balanced with my overwhelming sense of responsibility. If we worry to much about the results of our decision, it actually prevents us from living life. We take risks with each decision that we make, but as long as we are aware of those risks and make a decision on the matter, we will be able to better grasp the essence of living life to its fullest. Making a decision is a difficult thing, and requires a person to really know themselves and know where they are going with life. If you don't know who you are you will have a difficult time making decisions.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Cream (Blank & Jones), Volunteers (Jefferson Airplane), I Do (Lisa Loeb), Alien Lover (Luscious Jackson), Out Of The Blue (System F), Dreams (The Cranberries), Leaving Las Vegas (Sheryl Crow), and I'm Looking Through You (The Beatles).

Friday, August 15, 2003

"When I counted up my demons,
Saw there was one for everyday.
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost,
I'llbe counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,
You could feel it all around.
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down."

Everything's Not Lost (Coldplay)

Everyone is has always asked my why am I so emotionally attached to Coldplay's music. For the past three years their music has been the soundtrack to my life. When I had to go through my personal hell during the past few years to finally reach where I am today, I doubt I could've healed or progressed so well without Coldplay's music. They have a subtle of way grabbing at the seams of my heart like not a lot of other artist have reached before. Artists such as Morrissey, James, U2, and Miles Davis. Even though they've only had two albums, I still listen to them religously; and I feel some sort of cathartic and instant karma when I do. It's like meditation and yoga at the same time. As an artist, I strive to reach that level of intimacy and connection with my readership.

Brooke called me up late last night, and we had a good conversation about love. From my personal experience, most people tend to be scared of love. We all try to rationalize love, control it, and scientifically explain it so that we can assure ourselves that we can't get hurt by it. But love is irrational, it's anarchistic, it's completely lacking of control or purpose. We set up ourselves for a big hurt if we think that we can control this whirlwind of emotions. So most people are left to build this impenetrable wall around them because they are afraid to make themselves feel this vulnerability.

I am saddened when I hear that, because living life is all about feeling this love. Losing yourself in the wanton emotions of love. I've learned that over the past few years. I've realized the value the emotions that I am able to feel, and see it for what it is. If you get hurt, allow yourself to heal, but also understand the value of being able to feel these emotions. I know I'm getting deep here. But if we confront ourselves, and allow ourselves to take risks in feeling love, I think we can live a more healthier and satisfying life. Brooke, I hope I gave you some perspective on our conversation last night. I know I am learning a lot about myself right now as I am going through my healing stage, and I continue to reach a better level of understanding of myself. And at the end of the day that's all that we can really do about it.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Trouble Me (10,000 Maniacs), Crazy In Love (Beyonce), Break It Down Again (Tears For Fears), Roland (Interpol), Acrobat (U2), Not The Doctor (Alanis Morrissette), Ammunition (Morrissey), and What's Golden (Jurassic 5).

Thursday, August 14, 2003


Zion National Park

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Last night Alex told me that she still can't make a decision about her circumstances, and I made the painful decision to move on with my life. I didn't think it would end this way, but I also felt like this was something that I had to do. So this is how it ends. I need to heal now. I need to lick my wounds, tie up my scars. So, I can reassess my future, put everything in perspective and continue my progress. There will be a lot of changes for me during the next few months. I will be exposed to new people and new things, moving to an new city. I will be running a lot. I have signed up for co-ed adult softball league. I plan to take some HTML courses. I plan to focus directly on my growth as a writer. I have given so much to her over the past few months, and its now to start giving back to myself. I learned a lot about myself during my time with Alex, and I should be happy with these lessons. This is the breakdown portion of my circumstance, I am waiting for the breakthrough to occur. This is where I do my best exploratory writing, this is where I challenge myself creatively and emotionally. I thrive in this environment, let's hope I can continue this sustained creation. It's time for me to reinvent myself, and to rise from these ashes and become a stronger and better person from it.

"You're dangerous because you're honest.
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want.
You left my heart, empty as a vacant lot,
for any spirit to hurt."

-- U2 (Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses)

"Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start."

-- Coldplay (The Scientist)

These are songs that are running through my head.

5. Moving in to a house.
4. Playing softball with the boys and girls.
3. Planning a vacation somewhere really far.
2. Writing, again, like a madman.
1. Focus on my career.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003


Feeling very much frakturd. discontent. lost in oblivion.
trying to pick up the pieces, with integers and nomenclature.
The ribbons of despair are unrolling it graces.

I am feeling very sublime. I haven't had a 420 in a long time. Craving it like mad. "Help me!" I need sanity. I need to be out of control. I need substance. I need disillusionment. Climbing up the cliffs, the harbinger of truth, where is the solace that was promised to me.

Talk to me. Listen to me. Crumbling down like crumb cakes.

Monday, August 11, 2003

I haven't been able to sleep much the past few day. Whether it's because I am physically and emotionally ill, or because I haven't been able to get a hold of Alex, I am calmly freaking out. It all began innocently enough on Saturday night, while hanging out Clare's party, I was surrounded by five girls (a guy's fantasy right?), while we were waiting for the other guests to make their appearance. I had a very good talk with Brooke. I had known Brooke for years, but we never really had any prolonged serious talks until recently. We had an excellent conversation when I took her to the Coldplay concert, and we had another good one this night. We're both struggling in a situation, and she's reached her emotional breakdown and is entering her personal breakthrough. I reached my breaking point this weekend. And it is frustrating because I haven't been able to confront Alex about this, I am surfing this giant wave of emotional weight and it is not reaching the shore. I'm feeling much like a fugitive right now.

So what is the breakdown? The breakdown is a hellish amalgam of unfounded thoughts and speculations, weighted by frustration, impatience, lack of trust, and distance. When will it be enough? How long can I wait, and pause my life for this? I really, really need to move on with my life. I can't be in a place like this. I can't do this to myself. Why am I letting this happen? I have gone above and beyond the realms of sanity to keep myself together. And just when I think things are getting better they come crashing down, this is an emotional roller coaster ride I can't afford to be in right now.

I need to go back to my lonesome self. I need to rediscover the purpose of my life. I need to go back to the basics. I need to review my goals and work for my future. I need to assess the damage, and find ways to fix it.

"And here I go again on my own,
going down the only road I've ever known,
like a drifter I was born to walk alone."

philosophy from David Coverdale of Whitesnake.

I saw the sunrise for the first time in a long time today. It crept through the windows slowly, and it was accompanied by the chirping of morning birds, and a splash of cool moisture. It could well be the 600th billion sunset for this planet, but today it felt like the first. Hope is slowly breaking through the horizon. The lights are down and I know I can't be saved.

5. Long Distance Relationships do not work for me.
4. Don't be the good guy, you will get stomped.
3. Be wary of those who are still attached to their past, and can't imagine a future.
2. Know thyself, understand yourself worth, and stick with it.
1. Life ain't easy, choose what and who you fight for carefully.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Trouble (Coldplay), Amity Gardens (Fountains of Wayne), Anomaly (Ferry Corsten), Here I Go Again (Whitesnake), Perfect Blue Buildings (Counting Crows), I Say A Little Prayer (Workshy), and Slide (Goo Goo Dolls).

Thursday, August 07, 2003

I am starting to feel really drowsy. My throat is killing me. My nose is eating me up alive. I am fatigued. I am usually very healthy and don't get sick often, but I know I'm coming down with something. I guess all that partying with Alex over the past few months has finally caught up with me; probably all that running as well. It's all good I'll recover. If anyone has advice on what I should do so I can be healthy again, and drink up a storm, please notify me.

The airconditioning is down at work. I am sweating like a hog. This is not a good working environment for me. I wonder what cavemen did when it go too hot. They probably took their clothes off and jumped into the rivers, damn smart bastards. They probably had a lot of wild crazy ass sex too...

I say … and you think … ?

Greg:: BRADY
Breakfast:: OMELETTE
Dollar:: BILL
Unpredictable:: LIFE
Bathing suit:: THONG-THONG-THONG

Can't you tell I'm bored with myself...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Close To Me (The Cure), Gonna Get Thru This (Daniel Beddingfield), Sweet Lorraine (Louis Armstrong), Sweet Dreams (Marilyn Manson), Brand New Key (Melanie), My Love Life (Morrissey), and

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

I'm still slowly coping. Don't worry guys I'll get there, before you know it I will be the same old Ryan. Right now this is a time to search within myself, to confront myself. I know for some people its tought to hear or see me like this, but trust me we all have to go through this in our life. It's just self discovery, self growth, self healing, and self progression. I shall return, stronger and better than ever.

What would you say if you call a dolphin from your cell phone. "In theory you could phone up and listen to dolphins while sitting in a traffic jam in Dublin." Who the hell would want to talk to dolphins while you're stuck in traffic? Is it going to calm me down? I don't know I'd probably start singing to the dolphin. But I think you have serious problems if you actually pay money to listen to dolphins talk. Good idea though, I wish I though of it.

Monday, August 04, 2003

It has been a little over a week since Alex went back to Germany. I know the main reason she went back to Germany was to confront her issues and feelings for ex-boyfriend of 5 1/2 years. And I've been left in a position to wait. Wait. And wait. I am trying my best to be there for her. To give her an objective ear and advice. To be a friend to her. But inevitable I feel like I am leaving myself very vulnerable. Alex can't seem to make a decision about where and who she wants to be with. I don't know if I can continue to be this patient. I don't know what to expect. I have faith and trust in her. It seems like in most of my relationships I am so willing to accept most of the brunt of the emotional scars. Perhaps its because I know I can use that to fuel myself creatively. Or is it perhaps because I still refuse to believe in love in sometimes. I don't know.

Most people my age have given up on love. At least the kind of love that you believed wholeheartedly when you were a teenager. That kind of love where you everything is perfect, that utopian ideal. But I still firmly believe in it somehow. I had a taste of that pure sweet nectar, and I am thirsty for more. I guess most people never have really tasted that kind of love, so they just settle for the next closest thing. Close isn't good enough for me.

I know I just have to stay within myself. Keep everything in perspective and somehow things will work itself. It's this blind faith that I've always been able to hang my coat on whenever things got too cold or lonely out there.

I read the girly magazines in the bathroom because
I'm writing poems about them again
and here in these smooth liquored pages
are the ladies with the landscapes
to cry for.
Everything is pristine.
Airbrushed to a man's delight.
I could lick the pages and their flesh would bleed on my tongue.

But after a while, all the girls start to look the same
bored and bland xerographic copies.
Same blend. Same CMYK.
I am lusting after ink.
It can be a big turn off.

The trick is in the imagination.
Shut your eyes and dream hard.
When you lose the image, quickly open your eyes
and take a snapshot of her long angled legs,
supple curved breasts, luscious winding lips,
deep intense eyes, and tight spiring hips.
then follow the V formation--
pointing down to the fertile crescent,
this is where men began daydreaming
and this is where pursue to their demise.

"So damn beautiful!!"

Dirty thoughts. Steady that thought.
Like a heavy anchor.
I'm almost there.
Then let go...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: The Way We Get By (Spoon), Dog (Ben Folds Five), Bananeira (Babel Gilberto), Daybreaker (Beth Orton), This Is The Sound of Underground (DJ Baby Anne), The Love Thieves (Depeche Mode), Kama Sultra (Chicane), Yellow (Coldplay), and Drain You (Nirvana).