Wednesday, November 26, 2003

"I would never let a woman kick my @ss. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your b*tch @ss back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" -- Cartman


MR. GARRISSON: Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!
CLASS: Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PANDA: "Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda"
KYLE (to STAN): This is freaking me out, dude.
SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PANDA: And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
CLASS: Awwwwww!!!

There is nothing more funnier to life my spirits up more than South Park quotes, just the funniest show on earth.

Should I be thankful for something this year? I guess so...

- I am thankful for my health. and losing 30 lbs in one year. I feel fit, energetic, and I am slowly having a better grasp of my body's potential.
- I am thankful for my friends, who continue to be there through thick and thin.
- I am thankful for my shoes, who have prevented me from getting any sprained ankles this year. {knock on wood}
- I am thankful for the wonderful opportunities I've had throughout the year to experience life to its fullest.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Do You Realize? (The Flaming Lips), Toca Me (Paul Oakenfold), Le Monde (Thievery Corporation), Baby Please Come Home (U2), Witchy Woman (Eagles), Fade To Black (Metallica), Dogun (Sigur Ros), and The Chokin' Kind (Joss Stone).

Tuesday, November 25, 2003


I. Thou shalt get out before the sun rises
II. Thou shouldest never ask "can we see each other from now on?"
III. Thou shalt refrain from referring to our activities as "love making."
IV. Thou shalt not request advanced plans.
V. Thou shalt kiss anything except my mouth.
VI. Thou shalt scream my name often.
VII. If someone cometh over whilst thou art here, thou art my cousin from out of town.
VIII. Thou shalt not ask me to walk thee to thy car. Don't thou knoweth what it looketh like?
IX. There shall be no "pillow talk."
X. There shall be no cuddling -- ever!
"I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die" --Mr.Garrison, on the female sex organ.

"Prahlad Jani, a holy man, or fakir, who is over 70 years old, has just spent 10 days under constant observation in Sterling Hospital, in the western Indian city of Ahmedabad.

During that time, he did not consume anything and "neither did he pass urine or stool", according to the hospital's deputy superintendent, Dr Dinesh Desai.

Yet he is in fine mental and physical fettle, say doctors."

OK, that's about the best diet plan I have ever heard of. No Carbs, No Protein, No Water, Nothing! I wouldn't be surprised if Hollywood decides to take this diet plan. Can you imaging Gwyneth "Paltry" Paltrow on this diet plan, she'd be like the black hole, she'll just implode for the lack of mass.

It's almost Thanksgiving, and I'm not really in the mood yet. I don't know if I'll get into the festive spirit to have my world famous Kissmas Party this year. All my friends have been waiting for it for years, and now I finally have a place where I can have it, and I'm not quite in the right frame of mind to pull it off. I know Liz is coming down during Christmas, and I think I want to spend more time meditating life and meaning with her more. I'm also picking up poker from my friends, which has helped to get my competitive spirit back in motion. It has been a long month.

Jenny invited me to see the Pleased this Friday at the Viper Room. I think it would be great to go see a Rock Show right now. Maybe get myself pissed drunk and be stupid for a few moments could help all this anxiety and tension ease down. Does anyone else have any suggestions out there? Hello?! Is anybody reading this? Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself, it's all good, I'm pretty sure Alfie and Paula will be reading this, if you are, shout out to my ladies.


This is kinda sad because I am somewhat tied to this young actor. Johnathan Brandeis committed suicide on November 12, 2003 in Los Angeles. He is famous for his roles in "Who's The Boss?", "The Neverending Story 2", and "Sidekicks." But my connection to this guy was an obscure movie he starred in called "Ladybugs", along with Rodney Dangerfield. My friend was going out with one of the soccer extras in the cast, and I met him briefly. I was kinda struck by his kindness, charm, and warmth, and I kinda felt like I knew he was going to make it big some day. Well, I guess Hollywood swallowed him and spat him out, and reality just caught up with him. It is very sad, and I feel sorry for him. Here's a toast to Mr. Brandeis.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Well it is now Monday, and I'm still not in Berlin. I went to dinner with Clare and Jenny on Friday, and we were all in a really weird mood. We had this cute waitress serve us, and we were baffled by her accent. So we placed a bet on her nationality. Clare though she was Ukrainian, Jenny thought Polish, and my stupid self thought she was German. So I was letting the little German I knew slip out, to test her, but there was no response. I was still convinced she was German. When I finally asked her, she said she was from Czech Republic. Which totally baffled us.

I pretty much spent most of the weekend walking around the house like if I was looking for something. I couldn't really go out with Moss because he is still recovering from his surgery.

If there is one shining star in this darkness, its the fact that I'm healing. I could've easily been destructive, but this time around, I'm using the anger and pain creatively. I am getting the painting and writing virus back in my system. I have learned a lot from this moment in my life. And it's going to make me a better person to accept the next person that enters my life. I'm slowly moving forward with my life again, and that is something that has been welcome to me.

Friday, November 21, 2003

1. "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"
2. "I gotta thirst and baby, you look like my Gatorade."
3. "Do you have a licence? Because you're driving me crazy."
4. "Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?"
5. "Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas."
6. "Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here."

Just a little south of pathetic.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Mossimo got his fixed yesterday. I went to pick him up at the humane society, and it was so sad to see him. He was crying, he had tears in his eyes. I've never seen an animal cry before (although I've heard about it), and it really got to me. I guess I'm in a pretty emotional and fragile state right now. I spent most of the night just hanging out with him and consoling him, but in a weird way he was also consoling me. I've had Moss, for about a month now, and I think we have definitely bonded over that time. After yesterday, we have emotionally bonded. It was so hard to look deep into his eyes, because I understood his disappointment and his pain. It's going to be a while until he gets back to his old devious ways, and I'm going to miss that. I'll miss our daily walks.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Anger has slowly settled, and the anguish starts to appear. This time it hurts more. The first time Alex and I split up, I was able to prepare for it because it slowly developed into a circumstance where I was forced to make a decision. We both new it was coming. This time around I was blindsided. I felt like was walking along the street, enjoying my life, looking at the trees, and a car quickly swerves into the sidewalk and runs me over. You can pretty much draw up the chalk marks around me. I feel empty now. My world has been shaken up, rattled like broken maracas. It seems like all that she has done to win me over was nothing but an illusion. I feel a little betrayed, and hurt. Despite all our petty arguments and such, I knew I could've given her the world.

I finished two softball games tonight, and when I got home, I took probably the longest shower I had ever had. My skin is clean and prickly from the warm shower. I am still a zombie. I am fortunate to have really good friends around me to help me slowly get up. Chris, Branden, and Bart have done a great job to keep me focused and energized today, but there were moments that I could have lost it on the softball field today. We lost both games, but that just didn't matter tonight.

The other difficult thing has been to tell all my friends, co-workers, and family that I am not going to Berlin. They have been so sick already about hearing me talk about Berlin for the past two months, and now I'm not even going. They were looking forward to all the goodies I was going to bring back, especially after all the bounty I brought back from the South Pacific when I went there. I couldn't even tell my mom the exact freaking reason why I'm not going to Berlin; she would just turn around and blame me for it. It's always my fault (sorry for the tangent, this is another topic for another time).

I should've learned a long time ago that long distance relationships never quiet work for me. After Melissa and Michelle, I should've learned my lesson, and they were only a few hundred miles away from me; how can I expect to carry a meaningful relationship with someone 5,000 miles away from me. I'll say it now (but I know I'll probably do it again). "NO MORE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS."

I'd like to think I'm a nice guy. I'm very easy going. I like sunsets. I write poetry. I listen to Coltrane, Ella, and Miles Davis. I can dance. I can make you laugh and I can make you cry. I can enjoy the opera and theater. I like indie movies. I am very active. I am sociable, and I have no warts or severe disfigurement. So why do girls seem to take advantage of this kindness, and confuse it for weakness. It's a Tom Leykis question that he can easily answer by saying, "Nice guys finish last, go fuck the first hole you see today!!!" I could easily become the asshole boyfriend that most girls seem to enjoy, but ultimately in the end that's not really me, and I find no satisfaction in it.

At the end of the day, I am a poet. And a poet has to believe in Love. It is essential. I've never met a good poet who didn't believe in Love. Like a priest who believes in God, poets have to believe in Love. Poets are willing to go through hundreds of rejections and heartache to taste on spoonful of Love. Love is that wonderful. It may sound high school to most people, but once you've felt Love's ramifications, it is like heroin. You are addicted for life. And you will fight, you will sacrifice yourself, and you will bleed to feel it again. Artists have sliced off their ears, jumped off castles, slit their wrists, and have created masterpieces because of Love. It is a powerful emotion, worth every drop.

So here I am, at the end of the night. Staring at the screen, seeing the reflection of my unshaven face on the computer monitor. I am here confronting myself again. Seeing my face pieced together by hurt, frustration, anger, and disappointment. Once in a while life knocks you down and steps all over you, you just have to get back up and dust yourself off. I'd like to think that I am still positive. There are still so many people to enter my life, and there are still too many things to do before I'll be knocked down for good.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Nothing is Good Enough (Aimee Mann), Beautiful (Mandalay), The Golden Path (The Flaming Lips), This Strange Effect (Hooverphonic), Come What May (Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman), Always Something There To Remind Me (Naked Eyes), and Crying Like A Church On Monday (New Radicals).

Monday, November 17, 2003

Because life sometimes likes to spit in your eye, I'm not going to Berlin. I'd like to tell y'all about the details, but its just too fucking depressing, so I'd rather spare everyone the gory details. The bottom line is, I ain't going to Europe. I am very disappointed, and a little depressed about it.

Ryan will not be partying with the Berliners at Mitte.
Ryan will not be partying with the Berliners at Schoenberg.
Ryan will not be drunk at Bastard Club @ Prater in Prenzlauer Berg.
Ryan will not be kicked out for starting bar fights at 90 Degrees in Schoenberg.
Ryan will not be tripping at Casino in Ostbahnhof.
I think I better shut up before I start taking out the razor blades.

So sorry folks, I can't buy you that Hertha BSC Berlin soccer jersey, or that Branderburger Tor T-shirt. Don't worry I'll live. I just need to summon any little hope I have left, and focus on my writing again. Sometimes, life just likes to laugh at me, and he's done a lot of laughing lately, but I'm not too concerned, as long as I get the last laugh in the end. But we all know that life always gets to laugh last. If you want to cheer me up, take me out for a round of Guinness, and come over and pet my dog Moss, before he gets his balls cut off, you are more welcome to do so, I don't turn down free booze. At least I'm not getting my balls chopped off... with my luck, maybe I should keep my mouth shut!.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Are you a man who enjoys shopping, snappy shoes and a crisply starched buttondown? Have you ever frosted your hair or bought a pair of low rise bootcuts? Do you prefer a good martini over a sudsy draft? Get with it hipsters, you may be a metrosexual.

The latest buzzword defines an emerging breed of modern, straight, stylish, sensitive, well-groomed guys.

Are you a guy? Do you own a full set of silverware? Do you need more than a toothbrush and Speed Stick to get ready in the morning?

Soccer star David Beckham is the quintessential metrosexual.

Take this test to find out if you're a Metrosexual

My answers:
1) How many times do you look in a mirror each day?
Three times, morning, midday peek, and afternoon.

2) Can you leave the house without putting product in your hair?
I'm bald so I don't put shit in my hair.

3) Do you moisturize daily?
Occassionally, if I feel the need for it.

4) Have you ever tweezed, waxed, or trimmed your eyebrows?
No, Never.

5) Not counting sneakers, how many pairs of shoes do you own?

6) Have you ever waxed/shaved your legs, chest, or back?

7) How much do you spend on a haircut?
I shave my own head.

8) Your top drawer consist mostly of...
Good old Hanes tighty whities. I am damn proud of my tightie whities.

9) What's the last book you picked up?
A re-read of an old classic, Nietschze Reader.

10) Going shopping...
A top priority sometimes...

11) Best way to spend a friday night?
Watch a good indie film, then go to the local bar and have beer or martinis.

12) How would you describe your sense of style?
Somewhere between hipster and casual.

On a scale of 1-12, I am a level 3 Metrosexual.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

So after a night of lightning and thunderstorms, I woke up this morning and saw that Compton, Watts, and pretty much most of South Central L.A. was covered with ice and hail. It was the weirdest thing I had ever seen. I was starting to get convinced that the Apocalypse was coming again, but then I walked my dog and everything seemed fine and peaceful.

Mossy was scared from the thunder and lightning last night, I had to console him. He's such a cute little dog.

With all my friends pretty much down on a rut, I decided to do something about it. I'm taking them out to dinner. Nothing beats depression better than good food and beer.

With my trip to Berlin a few days away, I really don't know what to expect. So I'm going to do the only thing I know to do, suck it up, and have some fun. I'm am doing extensive research on all these bars and places I'm going to visit, and I am slowly starting to get excited again. I have to take this trip for what it is, whether Alex will be there to spend any time with me or not, eventually I will have to assert myself and enjoy this trip. This is definitely a once in a lifetime experience. I had never imagined visiting the city of Berlin. But here it is, my plane ticket is set, my vacation is marked. I am so going to get drunk and party with my German brethren.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

It's been a weird month. Most of my friends have hit a virtual wall, and have been collectively down. I feel helpless about it. I am about to travel 5,000 miles to Berlin to see someone that I feel very distant from. I don't know what's happening. I have a bed feeling about this trip, which could mean it could be the best trip I could ever have, or it could be the death of me.

It's like winter has slowly crept up and infected all my friends around me. Sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs...

"What the fuck is going on here!!!"

"Wake the fuck up!!!"

... but it seems like no one is listening. The only one listening to me right now is my dog, and its only because I feed him. He wouldn't listen to me, if I didn't feed him.

Life is too precious and valuable to be moping around and be sad. There are people out there in this world that have it much worse than us, and if we can't appreciate the good fortunes that we have, we might as well slit our wrists for christ's sake.

Sorry if I'm being a little pissant here, but its slowly getting to me; the indecision, the depression, the confusion, and the lack of perspective. I'm feeling slowly detached from my people that I care for; I don't know if its me, or if its them, but I simply can't wait for them to figure this shit out. Maybe its not them, maybe its me...

I could hear the thunders echo through the walls right now, and the darkness creep in through the windows like black death. Maybe it's going to be one of these long winters where I am stuck listening to Coldplay and Miles Davis while reading Charles Bukowski and Jack Kerouac. I'm better than this, I deserve better than this (maybe this is as good as its ever going to get). Grab a spoon!!!

You are Morpheus-
You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You
have strong faith in yourself and those around
you. A true leader, you are relentless in your

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, November 10, 2003


On Saturday night, I went to visit Liz at her parents place in a beautiful gated community in Palm Desert. I hadn't seen Liz for over a year, and it was great to see her and just chill with her. Her family were great hosts. We basically just sat around and talked about life in general. I gave her parents a little astronomical lesson while we watched the lunar eclipse through the clear desert skies. We ate a nice big salmon that her stepfather caught in Alaska. We all went to the hot tub, and just relaxed and talked about everything. It was one of the more relaxing weekends I've had in a long time. Thanks Liz!! I needed that... On Sunday we walked through an art faire and downtown Palm Springs. It's strange to think that Liz and I have been friends for over 7 years, and we're still good friends. I think we communicate really well, and we understand each other, that can be a great and wonderful thing. I plan to see her more soon...

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: I've Got My Mind Set On You (George Harrison), Major Tom (Tom Schilling), Bang Bang (Nancy Sinatra), One Way Or Another (Blondie), I'm Walking On Sunshine (Katrina and The Waves), Happy Now? (No Doubt), and Day Dreaming (Massive Attack).

Friday, November 07, 2003

It is 4am again.
drunk and writing a poem...
I can barely make out the shadows of the fancy moon.
I tilt my head to balance the rushing hangover--
but alas it is now 4:05am.
still drunk, and writing a poem.

writing this down
I am thinking about her panties.
soiled, but not rotten.
the ink is flowing through
creating random circles,
like the meeting of the tigris and the euphrates.

I am insane.
drunk, and writing a poem.
it is 4:13am, and the vampires are going back to bed.
and I am sitting on the edge of my bed,
scribbling consciousness on a piece of paper.

"I can't go to bed just yet."

One more word. One more sentence.
One more line. One more fantasy,
so I can piece this all together...

Thursday, November 06, 2003


I've been waiting for a while to fully reflect on the Matrix Movies, but I wanted to wait until I saw all three movies before I go on my philosophical diatribe. The foundation of the movies is solidly placed within philosophical and spiritual conundrums, which intrigued me to the story. There were various themes used in the story resurrection, existentialism, "the One", reality, deconstruction, language theory, and plenty others.

A lot of the philosophical conundrums posed are things that humans have been struggling to answer for thousands of years. What is the meaning of life? What does it mean to exist? What is our purpose? The movie sheds light on these topics but doesn't really address them fluidly as one might expect. So these are things that dawned on me after seeing the movie. Some of them are pretty deep and complex, so don't drown...

"Love is just a word"
In Revolutions Neo is stuck in a virtual purgatory, and he befriends a software who tells him of "love" for his wife and for his child. Neo is confused, how can a machine "love"? The software responds that love is only a word used to describe a feeling. This is philosophical question posed by a lot of linguists and post-modernists. What is in a word? Is it the letters? Is it the emotions? Is it a virtual picture that exists in our consciousness? What do we mean when we express words that can mean completely different things to an individual?

Thinkers have struggled to make sense of this conundrum, and even today in our interpersonal relationship with our friends and lovers, we struggle to communicate our feelings and emotions. We try to use words and physical expressions but somehow it just doesn't quiet hit the target of what we are trying to share or communicate.

Man and Machine
Since man was born, man had been fighting against nature. Man developed religion and spirituality to try and conquer the chaos of nature, but it was to no avail. Man created machines to help in its battle against nature.

From the first simple spearheads to more complex mega processor supercomputers, Man has striven to conquer its creators. And now that man, with its machines, have beaten nature, we are slowly seeing the machines turn against us. We are "plugged in" to these machines, and we are going deeper into the rabbit hole. Even in the third installment of the Matrix, Man is more machine-like, and Machines are more human-like. Agent Smith is more emotional in his fights, showing glee and frustration (Agent Smith seems to have most fun in the whole entire movie), with Neo, while Neo looks more robotic and artificial (showing no emotion at all). In the attack against Zion, the machines use swarming attacking tactics (similar to bees), while humans rely on more machines and technology to defend themselves.

As technology quadruples exponentially every decade, man will have to confront its creation. As nature created man, only to see man turn around and destroy nature. Man has created machine, and we are seeing machine slowly evolving to destroy us.

So What?
Well after investing close $100 on movie tickets, DVD's, CD's, popcorn, and drinks, what are we left with at the end of the movie. We are left with answers sewn together loosely. But I am also left with questions that can't be answered. Perhaps that is the lot of our existence. The pursuit of happiness, logic, understanding, and rationality. Perhaps we haven't beaten nature yet, and she is just looking down at us and is having a good laugh. Is life this easy? Or is life this complicated? Like I always say, "Balance, daniel-san, Balance!"

Monday, November 03, 2003

If P. Diddy can run the NYC Marathon in 4 hours and 15 minutes at a pace of 9:43 per mile. I currently average an 8:39 mile. I am definitely inspired and determined to accomplish this. Just don't stop running!!!!

I went to the USC Homecoming celebrations and party on Saturday. I was surrounded by yuppie and fraternity scum, but it was all good. I took advantage of the gratuitous liquor. As a Bruin man, I definitely felt weird walking around in the sea of crimson red. But fortunately there were no incidents. I met some interesting people, mostly drunk students and alumni. It was a lot of fun in the end....