CAN OF WORMS
I have been deathly sick for the past few days, so I haven't been able to enjoy my holiday season as much as I would've liked to. Today is the first day where I didn't want to die. Before I left for the Holiday break, Bryan and I signed up at the SOCES alumni page even though we didn't even graduate from that school. But we are infinitely tied together by our experiences there. And of my experiences there was discovering love. The first girl I ever asked our and the first girl I ever fell for I met there when I was in the 6th grade. I asked her out during 7th grade, and even though she cordially denied my advances, I felt a sense of victory for going through that experience. Bryan and I always talk about the girls that got away, and she being the first, ostensibly there was a lot of pain involved there.

So lo and behold, I check my e-mail today, and Bryan has found her working in some food company in Venice. He has opened up contact with her, I just haven't reciprocated. I don't even know what to say to her, it's been over 10 years since I last saw her, we are both two different people, I don't know where to start and where to begin. I don't even know if I want this door to be opened again, I've closed this door a long time ago. It's a strange feeling to hear that name again after losing it for so many years, but I knew then that her name would never leave the vaults of my memories. It's that kind of an impact that she had on my adolescence. I haven't decided how to respond to her...

TWO SHOTS OF HAPPY, ONE SHOT OF SAD
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad
You think I'm no good, well I know I've been bad
Took you to a place, now you can't get back
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Walked together down a dead end street
We were mixing the bitter with the sweet
Don't try to figure out what we might of had
Just two shots of happy, one shot of sad

I'm just a singer, some say a sinner
Rolling the dice, not always a winner
You say I've been lucky, well hell I've made my own
Not part of the crowd, but not feeling alone

Under pressure, but not bent out of shape
Surrounded, we always found an escape
Drove me to drink, but hey that's not all bad
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Guess I've been greedy, all of my life
Greedy with my children, my lovers, my wife
Greedy for the good things as well as the bad
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Maybe it's just talk, saloon singing
The chairs are all stacked, the swinging's stopped swinging
You say I hurt you, you put the finger on yourself
Then after you did it, you came crying for my help

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad
I'm not complaining, baby I'm glad
You call it a compromise, well what's that
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Central Reservation (Beth Orton), She's So High (Tal Bachman), Prague (Damien Rice), Undress Me Now (Morcheeba), Last Christmas (Wham!), Picture Perfect (Nelly Furtado), and Possession (Sarah McLachlan).

PATERNAL
I had a good long talk with my dad the other night. We both know that we don't have the best relationship in the world, but we also understand each other. I think we are both more alike than we would like to admit. He was definitely know for his fast lifestyle, my dad had the first convertible Camaro in the Philippines. And he was a member of the Thunderbugs, a motorcycle club similar to Hell's Angels. I remember him taking me on motorcycle rides when I was a kid, and those were the best moments I remember. We definitely have that free and independent spirit that we to lead our lives.

I told him that I didn't make it out to Germany in November, and for the first time since I was a kid, he started telling me stories. My dad travelled all over Europe in 1967. And he was in Berlin, Frankfurt, and Munich. He was telling me all the surreal experience of walking through Frankfurts' Red Light District for the first time. He also travelled to Italy, Spain, France, and Greece, and I was envious. It's almost weird, but are lives are closely linked. We're both eager travellers, and we love to meet new people. He has such a wonderful heart, he opens up a soup kitchen for abandoned children in the Philippines during Christmas.

It was just really wonderful to hear him talk about his life. I know he is in the twiligh of his life. And I'm sure he still has a lot of stories to tell...

WHAT KIND OF ASIAN ARE YOU?
Categories of Asians out there you know its true. Thanks to Rosanna for all the labels... So which on are you?

TWINKIE
- Your significant other is not Asian and has never been.
- You have few Asian friends, if any.
- You are embarrassed at family events because you cannot speak your language and everyone has to switch to English to communicate with you.
- You have no idea that the other types of Asians on this list even exist.
- You think Hello Kitty is dumb and do not know what Sanrio is...
- You are the only Asian on this list that does not know what Bubble Tea is...
- You drive a Ford or some other domestic car and if you drive a Honda, it is stock.

ASIAN-AMERICAN:
- You claim yourself as Asian, but real Asians think you're whitewashed and non-Asians see you as a foreigner. You fit in nowhere...
- You have heard of Bubble Tea but have never actually had any.
- You are confused about your cultural identity and express this frustration through spoken word performances at your college.
- You read A. magazine and think it's great...
- You do not know who Leon, Aaron, Sammi, Hikki, or Kangta are...
- You are only vaguely aware of the other Asians below...

FOBSTER (Fresh Off tha Boat):
- You were not born in America
- You know who Leon, Aaron, Sammi, Hikki, and Kangta are. In fact, you have seen them at Atlantic City or Las Vegas recently.
- You speak your native language fluently and so do all your friends.
- You do not have any non-Asian friends.
- Your parents do not speak any English.
- When you speak English, you like to make everything plural.
- You get extremely good grades in school.
- You cannot dance...
- Your fashion sense comes from whatever country you're from and you incorporate nothing from American fashion into your wardrobe.

SUPERFOB:
- Your command of the English language is minimal and you don't care.
- You like dim sum chicken feet
- You do not own a single CD, VCD, Video game, or DVD that isn't bootlegged.
- Your only hangout is Chinatown.
- All the lights in your house are fluorescent.
- You dry your cloths outside your window.
- You need a haircut.
- You either smell like cigarettes or food.

FOBABEE
- You are an Asian-American or Twinkie who has recently "awoken".
- You have a newly found fetish of Asian girls/boys.
- You have taken the Asian Studies course at college.
- You are trying to learn as much as possible about your culture to make up for your lifetime of trying to be white (Twinkie ; Banana) or Black (Chigger; Thousand year old egg).
- If you are lucky, you will grow to become Fobulous.

GANGSTA FOB
- You have shot another Asian.
- Your favorite hangout is a pool hall
- When you talk, you sound like a cross between a Fob and an urban black kid.
- Your hair looks silly, but no one will tell you because you'll shoot them.
- You have a serious gambling problem
- You are a Rice-boy, but your mods are cheap and are never painted to match the rest of your car...
- No one tells you your rice ride looks cheap because you'll shoot them.
- You want to have a Tab girlfriend, but can only get Hoochie Tabs.

TAB (Trendy Asian B*tch):
- You shop at A/X, Bebe, Banana Republic and Club Monaco.
- You only wear black and will occasionally wear white to "mix it up".
- You do not weigh more than 105 lbs.
- You have never paid for dinner at a restaurant in your life.
- Platform heels are your favorite.
- You are a makeup expert, in fact, you appear completely flawless.
- You do not smile in public.
- You are the object of desire of all Asian men and you know it.
- You smoke...
- Your cell phone is completely customized.
- On the inside flip of your cell phone is a sticker pic of you and your man.
- Somewhere in your purse is a Sanrio item.
- You only date Asian and will only date a boy with a nice car.
- You are often seen with Rice-boys.
- You never travel alone. You are either in the company of other Tabs or your Rice-boy boyfriend.

HOOCHIE TAB:
- You are an import car model.
- Your boobs are not real.
- There are naked pictures of you floating around on the internet somewhere.
- Stiletto heels are your favorite.
- Your role models are Francine Dee and Kaila Yu.
- Your boyfriend is a Gangsta Fob.
- You cheat on your boyfriend.
- Unlike most Asians, you do not do well in school.

RICE BOY
- You drive an Asian import. Usually a Honda or Acura.
- Your souped up car (known as a Rice-ride or Rice-rocket) is unrecognizable from its original stock form.
- Your exhaust pipe is big enough for your head to fit in.
- The spoiler on your car looks like it was made by Boeing.
- The interior of your car also looks like it was designed by Boeing.
- You always drive like you are racing someone.
- You are not afraid of dying in a crash, but you are afraid of speed bumps and parking lot on-ramps.
- The only other person besides yourself who can sit in your car is your 105 lbs Tab girlfriend. If anyone else sits in your car, the entire bottom of it will be touching the ground.
- Even though your car is a Honda, it goes faster and is worth more than a Lotus Esprit.
- If you drive a Civic, your dream car is a Supra. If you drive a Supra, your dream car is a Skyline (which you can never have). Poor Rice-boy.

FOBULOUS
- You speak perfect English and you are fluent in your native language.
- You have Asian friends as well as non-Asian friends.
- You listen to Asian pop as well as American music.
- You are equally aware of both popular American culture and Asian pop culture.
- You are a good dancer.
- You date Asian by choice even though you could rock the opposite sex of any other race.
- You are a good designer and have superior Html or DESIGN skills.
- You have an Apt107 page AND an AA page and the guest books in both are packed.
- For you, FOB stands for Fabulous Oriental Being
- You have lots of Asian pride

DRUNKER FASTER
I survived a weekend full of perilous Christmas party traps. My mom had her high school Christmas Party reunion on Saturday, and I served drinks and barbecued for them. The highlight of the weekend was Brooke's Christmas Party; I was the first one to show up at her house, and I just couldn't wait for everyone else. And being the "Lush" that I am, I decided to partake in some alcohol activities. When everyone started to show up, I was already drunk, and started playing talk show host to everyone.

Then the night got interesting when Nittin showed up. For the past year or so that I've known Nittin, I've been trying hard to get him drunk to no avail. He's a hard boy to break. He knows his limits and he stops on a dime. This is the first time that he is celebrating Christmas and I don't think he's ever had eggnog in his life. So as the night began, he started drinking the hard core eggnog (which is more like a white Russian). A few hours into it, I just saw him turn slightly reddish, but he wasn't drunk. Then I started making my staple drinking concoctions. And he started drinking, and the next thing I know he's hitting on the girls, and he's taking off his shoes and showcasing his ankles to me. He also revealed that he lost his virginity (and all this time I thought he was a virgin, bad on me!) on Christmas Day (although he has no concept of Christmas, so it was like a normal day for him), it was downright funny. I was so proud of myself for getting him drunk, I almost had a twinkle in my eye. It's like seeing a good friend lose his liquor virginity.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: It's My Life (No Doubt), Last Christmas (Wham!), Bizarre Love Triangle (New Order), Go To Sleep (Radiohead), 32 Flavors (Ani DiFranco), Kicking Mr. Bubbles (Aphex Twin), and Fluguflersarinn (Sigur Ros).

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Christmas is so wonderful. I remember having so many sleepless night when I was kid anticipating all the wonderful toys and treats that we would get on the morning of Christmas. Every year I try hard to capture that innocence and playfulness. I'm pretty thankful to have wonderful memories about Christmas with family and friends.

IT'S COLD AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF
My winter sampler will be out soon, if you don't receive one, don't take it personal just go to Kazaa or Limewire and download these following songs and make your Winter Sampler...
It's cold and I want to kill myself.
1. Are you going to be my girl? by Jet
2. Baba O'Riley by The Who
3. Moses (live) by Coldplay
4. Glad Girls by Guided By Voices
5. Major Tom (Coming Home) by Peter Schilling
6. Overlap by Chicane
7. The Golden Path by The Flaming Lips
8. Volcano by Damien Rice
9. No Room to Bleed by Ben Lee
10. The Ballad of El Goodo by Evan Dando
11. The End of the Anchor by Dashboard Confessional
12. Gravedigger (Acoustic) by Dave Matthews
13. Angry Any More by Ani Di Franco
14. Split Screen Sadness by John Mayer
15. Drifting Away by Faithless
16. 12:51 by The Strokes
17. The Hunter by Massive Attack
18. Cadillac Seville by Slydell

WINTER
Pasadena is a beautiful city during winter. There are so many contrasting colors that decorate the city; it's making me all warm and tingly inside. The leaves that fall from the trees, with the backdrop of a foggy mountain, it's really wonderful. I have been invited to a slew of Christmas parties this weekend, and I think I will be lucky to survive any of them.

I really feel the need to escape within the next few months. All the drama surrounding my life the past few weeks have taken its toll on me. I am thinking of going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. My friend, Ian, has a place down there, and I would love to take part in its excess and debauchery. I really have been wanting to travel by myself. Use that time for self re-discovery, and to write, and contemplate purpose. There is something about confronting yourself on the open road that appeals to my senses. Some people find it lonely, others find it depressing, I find real honesty and appeal in such a trip. I know I also need to visit Jacob in Ohio, Liz in Seattle, Naomi in Arizona, Geoff in Texas, and Michelle in Pennsylvania. The butter is slowly churning in my brain.

BENEFITS OF OWNING A DOG
Moss has been a great companion for me the past two months. We take a walk in the morning before I go to work, and he always gets a walk when I get back from work. He wakes me up in the morning, and he relieves the stress when I get back home. He actually gives me a reason to go home, otherwise I wouldn't go home until I had to go to bed.

But the other advantage of having a wonderful and beautiful dog like Moss, is the fringe benefits. Golden Retrievers attract a lot of beautiful women. I hadn't really noticed it until the other night, when I was walking Moss to go to Hollywood video. While I was tying him up on wall so I could go in and rent some video, this beautiful blonde walks out to greet me and pet Moss. We started a conversation, and she was hypnotised by Moss, because after a few minutes she offered to join us if whenever we went hiking again. I didn't even have to buy her a drink.

FINDING MY MT. MEHRU
It has been a long week, indeed. From getting my wisdom tooth pulled out on Friday, to being cracked out on Vicadin all weekend, and yet despite it all I was able to find some peace and solace in a Buddhism exhibit at LACMA. All these external stresses and forces that push our lives to the brink are really senseless, and we must seek to defeat these external struggles and achieve inner peace. I'm far away from being a Buddhist, (I don't think I can ever give up my drinking habits).

I missed out on the James Cameron movie, but I was glad that some friends were able to take my spot and enjoy the festivities of the night. It was disappointing, I really wanted to go out and meet some new and electric people that were going to be present at that club.

I spent Sunday night helping the Applegate household put up their Christmas tree. It was really cool to help a family put a real Christmas Tree; I felt very much like a father figure for a little bit there. It was a lot of fun drinking hot chocolate with the girls and hanging out and goofing off with them. I definitely started to slowly feel the Christmas spirit dawn upon me. So I'm not going to be that much of a Scrooge this year.

A LONG DAY AT THE OFFICE
Apparently there have been a lot of shady businesses happening behind my back in the office. I learned today that someone has been returning invoices under my name and pocketing the cash from the transaction. All the fingers and paper trail point toward me, and I am not too happy about it. There are plenty of suspects. No one has admitted guilt, and I am accepting responsibility for it right now. I don't want to put any co-workers on the spot by starting any blind accusations. This is something that's really shitty. I don't know how to quiet deal with it, but my eyes are wide open.

X-TREME LIFE
Before that shitty turn of events, I was actually having a pretty decent week. I got invited to go to a party for a filming of James Cameron's 3D IMAX feature "Xtreme Life" in Club Lingerie. This event will be a once in a lifetime experience to be part of a movie that people will be watching all over the world. A chance to see James Cameron work might also be a wonderful experience. My life continues to be this never-ending string of surprises. I can't wait... I have a lot of stress to relieve this week...

ALLEGED CANNIBAL TRIED FOR MURDER
"BERLIN, Germany (CNN) -- A German computer technician accused of killing, dismembering and eating the flesh of a man who agreed to the deal over the Internet has gone on trial for murder.

He is alleged to have cut off part of the victim's body before the pair ate it together. The defendant is then alleged to have cut up the victim, storing his body in a freezer and eating it over the following months."



This is a pretty ghastly story of a guy who posted an advertisement on the internet seeking a man willing to be killed and eaten. I guess some lucky chump decided to take him up on that offer, so he apparently chopped a body part from his victim and they ate together before he killed him and stored the rest.

I could've been in Berlin to see all this mania, but oh well... Life goes on.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS
I was walking Mossimo this morning, he woke me up at 7am because he really needed to go to the bathroom. So we were around our neighborhood, and I started to see that most of the leaves on the trees have turned red and brown and have fallen from the trees. Autumn has always been my favorite season, I just like the transition of colors. I feel nature assuring itself by progressing through its life cycle. I find beauty in this transition/transgression. There is death, but there is also rebirth.

Christmas is along the horizon, and I am contemplating whether to have my annual Kissmas Party this year. It's been 3 years since I've had my world famous Kissmas Party. I don't know if I'll get into the spirit of things this year, I'm still a little bit of a Scrooge, although I'm getting better. My friends are inviting me to go out a lot, and I haven't accepted enough of their offers, maybe I should.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Do You Realize? (The Flaming Lips), Arrivals Gate (Ani DiFranco), Powerless (Nelly Furtado), Un Simple Histoire (Thievery Corporation), Tempest (Beethoven), and The Crying Game (Boy George).

"To laugh often and much,
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children,
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends,
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,
Or a redeemed social condition,
To know that even one life has breathed
Better because you have lived,
This is to have succeeded."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

GOLDFINGERS RELOADED
The ladies (Brooke, Jenny, and Clare) took me out on Saturday night to go dancing at Goldfingers. It was the first time in a long time that I had been out and inebriated. We definitely danced our miseries out, and it was very therapeutic. It was great to be out and drunk again. It has been such a long time since I've really gone out, danced and drink like I usually do. It was great to meet new people. It made me realize how well I'm progressing through the aftermath of what happened to me.

I feel much stronger and assured about myself, and what I need to do with the time I have in this universe. I did a lot of painting and writing over the holiday weekend, and it helped bring out the closure that I needed for my past. I have the support group of friends who are there through thick and thin, and I have resolve to accomplish the things that I am determined to achieve. I think overall this was a rewarding weekend, where I was set free from anger and frustration. I am more focused. I am stronger. And I know I am ready to enjoy the pure juice of life once again.





CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Orange Sky (Alexi Murdoch), Oscar (Tosca), The Richest Man in Babylon (Thievery Corporation), Yellow (Coldplay), Again, I Go Unnoticed (Dashboard Confessional), Spiderwebs (No Doubt), St. Anger (Metallica), and All The King's Horses (Joss Stone).