BECOMING SILHOUETTES
For the most part I spent the entire holiday weekend by myself. I could have joined my family in San Diego, but I opted for the tranquility in Los Angeles. It was so unusually peaceful for a Fourth of July; all the rebel rousers had left town, and the meek had inherited the city. I took a lot of time just wandering throughout the city by myself. I also rented some movies (Cold Mountain and Pirates of the Carribean). I think for the past couple of months I have been struggling to find myself again. Having to sit down and write again can be frustrating when everyone around you, including yourself, has a reached a stalemate in their lives. I know I need to distance myself from some of the petty drama around me, and I really need to capture that fleeting moment of inspiration.
I don't think I need to disappear off the face of the earth like I did for my first book. I don't know if I will ever recover from walking through that darkness. I think the solitude I got from house sitting the past week, has allowed me to breathe a little bit, this whole suburbian lifestyle was really strangling me. I know I am a restless bohemian warrior, and I am beginning to feel a little shackled in my own house. I've been working so hard the past few years to create a home, and now that I have it, I still feel like something is missing. I can build as many patio decks or barbecue areas on this property and I know its not going to bring me closer to feeling at home.
Or is it perhaps that I am feeling the weight of turning 28, and seeing all my friends from childhood starting their own families. My friends are my family right now, but I know its not the same. I am not sure I am even ready to start a family; but I know I am slowly feeling left out by some of my friends because they are tending to their family gatherings and duties.
Whilst I was brushing my teeth, I walked through my backyard. It was dark, and I could hear the crickets chirp maddeningly; it's as if they were slowly whispering their sweet nothings to me. I wasn't listening. Amidst the darkness, a billboard hung on the horizon like a full moon. The smell of yesterday's fireworks is still meandering in the thick air. I took my feet off my sandals, and walked with my bare feet along the grass. It was slightly wet and soft, yet hard enough to hold the weight of my body without breaking a blade. It felt good to slide my charred feet along its grassy tentacles.
Every once in a while I would spit out the foam of toothpaste collecting inside my mouth, some had already run down my cheeks, making me look like a man with rabies. I had always hated to brush my teeth in the bathroom. It made it feel too much like a chore. I would usually sit in my living room and watch a TV show, or the news, or listen to music in my room, but I didn't want to just stand there and stare at myself in the mirror in the bathroom. I had never understood the point of brushing your teeth in front of the mirror. Do I really need to see where I am brushing my teeth?
Point is that walk through the backyard was spectacular. I really felt a little at ease, putting things into perspective. This whole entire universe can be such a farce, and yet we have an experience like that absolutely smothers senses, and can inspire us.
QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS:
Movies I saw over the holiday weekend:
COLD MOUNTAIN = long, wrenching, bad southern accents, Jude Law is hot, Renee Zellwegger is not.
JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKES BACK = complete waste of time, picked my nose a lot, and farted a lot throughout the movie.
PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN = funny, Keira Knightley is hot, Johnny Depp is hilarious, made me want to say 'booty' a lot. Yargh!
GHOST WORLD = Thora Birch has an awkward body, I felt guilty looking at Scarlet Johanssen's legs, difficult to get through, but worth the wait.
SPIDERMAN 2 = Kirsten Dunst looks cross-eyed, awesome special FX, great story, Doc Ock looked menacing, almost peed my pants from drinking too much soda, I need to see it again.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Must Be Dreaming (Frou Frou), Time Is Running Out (Muse), Northern Sky (Nick Drake), Fake Frowns (Death Cab For Cutie), 24 (Jem), How Good Can It Be (The 88's), and Biological (Air).