SMALL FIGURES IN A VAST EXPANSE

SMALL FIGURES IN A VAST EXPANSE
I'd like to think that for most of my life I've treated most people fairly and with respect. As part of my middle-child syndrome, I've always felt the need to satisfy and please everyone around me. There have been a few exceptions where I was completely of out of line and hurt someone, and it is something that has haunted me for the past few years. I know it is difficult to confront your past; and it has tortured me that I haven't been able to at least reach a sort of closure with this person, she deserves that. And I don't think it's even a matter of forgiveness.
Perhaps it is time to reach some sort of peace, if not for me, at least for her.

THE ART OF FOLDING A T-SHIRT
STEP 1 - KARATE CHOP THE MIDDLE OF YOUR T-SHIRT WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND.

STEP 2 - DRAW AN IMAGINARY LINE FROM YOUR LEFT HAND TO THE RIGHT EDGE OF THE T-SHIRT.

STEP 3 - HOLD YOUR GRIP AND CROSS YOUR RIGHT HAND OVER YOUR LEFT TOWARDS THE OPPOSITE END OF THE T-SHIRT.

STEP 4 - UNCROSS YOUR HANDS AND EXTEND THEM IN FRONT OF YOU, LIFTING THE SHIRT OFF THE FLOOR.

STEP 5 - COMPLETE THE FOLD BY LETTING LOOSE ARM DROP TO THE FLOOR AND FOLDING THE SHIRT IN HALF OVER IT

STEP 6 - TAKE A DEEP BREATHE IN, AND PONDER THE WONDERFUL BEAUTY YOU JUST HAD CREATED.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

ACKNOWLEDGMENT
Everyone has secrets, some people are just better at hiding it than others, so it rarely stuns me when a close friend opens up and reveals their secret to the world. I have a friend who I have known for almost a decade reveal something so unexpected, yet something so wonderful, that it moved me. I was happy for her. To be able to finally reveal something that you kept secret for a decade can be a beautiful thing. I am proud of her. It takes a lot of guts to show the world who you really are. I am just grateful that she trusted me enough to show this side of her, and for that I thank her.

THE TIDE IS HIGH
I really need to get my second book out by May. I have enough material. I have enough time. It's just a matter of piecing things together. The next two months are going to be crucial in the development and evolution of my book. There are still a couple issues that I want to resolve, but the foundation is solid. My support team is lined up. And I really feel like this second book is going to be more of a team effort, rather than a solitary achievement. My chapbook, From Dust 'Til Dawn, was well-received, people already made remarks about how I've grown and evolved as a writer since Blink was released. But I know there is still something gnawing inside of me that hasn't been written down yet. I am focused. Now it's just a matter of execution.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Angry Any More (Ani DiFranco), California (Joni Mitchell), A Letter To Elise (The Cure), Mr. Tiddles (Sasha), One Step Closer (U2), Cattleys (The Autumns), Lola Stars And Stripes (The Stills), and Malibu Love Nest (Luna).

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T FUCKING DIE!!

NOTE TO SELF: DON'T FUCKING DIE!!!
Another weekend in my sublime little existence. Friday night I joined Chris and his buddies to celebrate Branden's birthday. It was a lot of fun, but I completely forgot my alcohol intake. For whatever reason when I hang out with a big group of guys, and all our testosterone are flowing (especially after seeing the Ron Artest melee in Detroit), I completely forget that I am no longer 230 lbs. Back in my chumbawumba days, I could drink beer after beer, vodka after vodka, and it would take a lot to knock my ass down. Friday night, I got my ass knocked down. My mistake was that I started drinking way too fucking early. By the time we got back to Branden's place, I was embarassingly almost going to pass out on his yard. I could hear everyone talk around me, but I was having a serious out of body experience. That was rough. I managed to peel myself out of his driveway and pass out inside my car. I woke up the next day, went home, rented some movies and cuddled up and watched them in my bed.

Sunday, I decided to go workout before meeting up with Clare and Katie for some sushi. Apparently I left my stupid hat on, as I parked in a tow away zone, and had my car towed. $280 later, I should've been pissed and angry, but I wasn't. I didn't want any of that to ruin what was a beautiful autumn day.

SORRY EVERYBODY

DRUNK PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE THIS MUCH FUN

DRUNK PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE THIS MUCH FUN








I have to hand it for my gracious hosts, Jeff and Brooke, they fucking wore me out for the weekend. Thank you!!

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Something Bigger, Something Brighter (Pretty Girls Make Graves), Daughters (John Mayer), Living Room (Tegan And Sara), I See Monsters (Ryan Adams), Where Are You Now? (Brandy), and Sexy Boy (Air).

IN VERTIGO

IN VERTIGO
Life sometimes occurs in random and inconsequential machinisms. Two asteroids colliding in empty space, millions of miles away from us may start a series of events that could lead to the destruction of our planet. An ancient bee pollinating a pre-historic flower millions of years ago, may have ignited the evolutionary result of the sunflower. These events are often considered either random or destiny, and although thinkers continue to struggle for the answer, I am fascinated by the complexities of a world constantly shifting between chaos and order.

These large philosophical thoughts were conjured after a series of bizarre events that transpired within the past 36 hours. How did I become temporarily involved in a world so foreign and yet so close to me? So distant, yet so near. I have often felt like my life swirls like desert twister. I am a little fearless (perhaps too fearless for my own good). I am a little friendly (perhaps too much for my own good as well). I leave my life open to invitations from strangers, fate, and destiny. And for most people it a chaotic existence, but for the past year I have been thriving believing in that ideal.

I have allowed people to enter my world, fully aware of its risks, and dangers; because at this stage of my life I still trust humanity. I still believe in the commonality and universality of the individual. The more people I meet, the more I realized and understand the common threads that bind us to each other. That understanding makes living in this world a little less lonely.

I accepted a blind invitation, in a city still a little foreign to me. The encounter was just like the ones I had encountered in Burning Man; the cool thing that made me really happy was that these individuals have never experienced Burning Man. I couldn't believe that people were able to be so accommodating to a random stranger. I didn't take their hospitality for granted. And this all occurred within the strange backdrop of garage sales, fruit loops, death, and paper airplanes.

My existence is not predicated upon the confirmation my existence by other people. The simple fact that I am, proves my existence, space, and consciousness. Since I am not able to prove the existence, space, and consciousness of other people, how do I know that I am not alone? That is a sad conclusion. But if we can accept the existence of others as a proven theorem, we are able to make peace with the chaos and order that swirls around us.

I am here. You are there.
That I am certain of.
If my being and your being collide
what does it all mean?
is it even supposed to have a meaning?
and what then,
if we shall never collide.

10 FRAGMENTS FROM MY FIRST 36 HOURS IN SAN DIEGO
1. I still can make paper airplanes and gliders that fly straight.
2. Hung out in the bathroom where the previous tenant killed himself.
3. Life can be stranger than fiction, and that's fantastic.
4. My staple heart origami is quickly becoming dated.
5. Drunkeness doesn't necessarily diminish my magic skills.
6. Not everyone is ready or willing to detach themselves from the obscurities of daily life.
7. Fruit loops doesn't taste like any fruit I have ever eaten, it is actually pretty disgusting.
8. People sometimes misunderstand passion, openess, and inspiration as a weakness.
9. I am not superman, I do not have to save the world.
10. Sleep is still overrated.

ROUND MOUND OF REBOUND

THE ROUND MOUND OF REBOUND
I haven't played serious basketball in over two years. When I used to live in Glendale and the Valley, I played in pickup games every weekend. It was a great way to get my competitive juices. I haven't been able to find really good games in Pasadena. So last week I went to my old stomping grounds and participated in some pickup games. It's amazing how things have changed.

90 pounds ago, I compared my basketball game to Charles Barkley. I was undersized, but I had a solid center of gravity (no gut jokes please) which allowed me to hold my own against guys taller than me. I could hit an open three, and I made my way out on fastbreaks. I didn't have hops back then, but I had some decent post moves. I'd like to think my game was closer to Charles Barkley than Oliver Miller or Robert Traylor.

So last week I stepped on the court, and I realized I am no longer Charles Barkley, but I am still playing like if I was Charles Barkley. There I was roaming on the post, posting up taller guys, only to get my skinny ass knocked down. So I tried to play the wing positions, and even the off guard slot, but I can't dribble to my left, and I quickly get exposed that way. It was pretty frustrating. The only points I could get were on breaks, whenever we would get on a half-court set, I struggled. I tried to penetrate and dish but the guy guarding me had quick hands. Despite it all, I was surrounded with some pretty good flyers and slashers, and we were able to win 4 games in a row before succumbing to a bigger and stronger squad. I want to pick up basketball again, I am confident that my ankles will hold up better now because I don't have all that weight on it. It's time to work on my game.

I HEART SUSHI|MAC

On Sunday night Clare introduced me to my latest obsession, Sushi|Mac. All sushi dinners are $2.50, and let me tell you they are delicious and fresh. They played techno music, which was really unusual, I've never eaten sushi that played techno music. They have rotating waiter that keeps everyone full and served within 20 seconds. I recommend their Spicy Shrimp Tempura Roll, Scallop Nigiri, Dynamite Roll, and Spicy Scallop Roll.

PASSING THROUGH UNCONCSCIOUS STATES

PASSING THROUGH UNCONCSCIOUS STATES
My weekend started with a bang when I went to see Death Cab For Cutie and Pretty Girls Make Graves at The Wiltern. The Death Cab concert was probably the second best concert (second only to Coldplay at The Greek) I have been to. They played a lot of songs from their Transatlanticsm album which had been my soundtrack this past year. It was great to finally see a live performance from Ben. And what really sealed the night for me was when he played the title track (my favorite song) on his encore. And despite everyone backing out on me for this concert, it all somehow worked out because I met Kristina. Funny how life kinda does that...

I took advantage of my free Saturday, by staying in my bed cuddled up and watching college football games on the television. I just didn't want to leave my room. I knew I was going to go out with Clare and her Cal Poly mates later that night. I didn't feel like going, but I hate flaking out on people. It's such a trendy L.A. thing to do, and I refuse to take part in it. So I dragged my ass out to Goldfingers. I did some dancing, but mostly I did some drinking and rollicking; it seems as if that's what I do best.

I felt like I was sleep walking all weekend. I lost all ambition to do stuff. It was good though, I haven't had a weekend like this in a long time. Since I'm going down to San Diego next weekend, I better get some rest while I still can.

ONE OUT OF TEN

ONE OF THE TEN
Well it looks as if the Apocalypse is coming. I don't know which is more depressing, that our country is quickly become a religious institution and a strict police state, or that only 10% of eligible voters between the ages of 18-30 (according to the AP and NPR news) actually voted.

Whatever happened to the separation between church and state? I guess Billy Bob down from Kentucky doesn't care about that. Whatever happened to the constitution? I guess Bertha Mae in South Dakota doesn't give a darn tootin' about that.
And what about all that Vote or Die campaign, Michael Moore, Daily Show, Bruce Springsteen, and Rock The Vote. I guess we're more content to be entertained than to be mobilized. 10%!!! That is sad and pathetic. I am embarassed by my generation. All I've got to say is that we have no excuse. We can't complaint when Roe v. Wade gets over-turned. When the government starts to censor and eliminate our individual rights and choices, my generation has no right to bitch and moan. When we are sent off to fight a war to fill the coffers of the rich, we have may have to accept our fate. I am feeling pretty depressed more about my generation's turnout than the actual results of the election. 10%!!

HALLOWEEN AND TEQUILA DON'T MIX

HALLOWEEN AND TEQUILA DON'T MIX
Halloween was a little bit crazier than usual. The past two years, Halloween had been relegated as a more laid back and calm nights. And I was expecting the same this year. That is until Mr. Tequila came over and joined the party. I haven't seen Mr. Tequila since New Year's Eve 2001, where I woke up the next day, half-naked buried under a pile of sand, with random sorority sweaters full of vomit, and a broken billiards stick. Since then, I vowed to never hang out with Mr. Tequila. Well on Saturday night, I started off the night doing the usual mixing and cavorting. I saw Mr. Tequila on the bar, but I was quiet content partying with Mr. Vodka, Mr. Gin, Mr. Rum, and Captain Morgan. Meredith (I think that was her name), the nurse, then asked me if I could make flu shots for all her guests. I obliged and made a nice mix for everyone to partake in. The problem was that as the night went on, all the other liquors were quickly running out, and Mr. Tequila seemed so lonely on the table. Everyone was afraid to touch him. So I decided to make one small Tequila drink. Big fucking mistake.

Next thing I know I am surrounded by Ewoks, Rainbow Brite, nurses, George W. Bush clones, and Sven (the German guy from Stuttgart) spinning around me and discussing the virtues of a socialist government. A few moments later, I am being taken downstairs by a couple of nurses to debate the intricacies of Prousts' existentialist ideas. I don't remember much after that, but I know I didn't vomit. And I know I didn't break any billiards sticks. I made it home safely in the comforts of my bed, thank god. So let this be a lesson to everyone, do not mix Halloween and Tequila.

I HEART HUCKABEES

I HEART HUCKABEES

I had been looking forward to seeing this movie. How can you go wrong when you combine existential philosophy and comedy. This loveable and audacious romp dares to ask us to think of life's biggest questions, amidst the absurdity of its characters. Jason Schwartzman, Jude Law, Naomi Watts, and Mark Wahlberg give a stellar and inspired performance. If you're looking for answers for our existence, you might leave this movie a little disappointed, but that's the irony of this movie. David O. Russell seems to be channeling the weirdness of Charlie Kaufman, and you can see the influences from the beginning to the end.